Words To Live By

Where Paige Reads Soon To Be Dead Kids

This is the critique board, suggested by Outfoxd. Come here to request critiques and critique the work of others. The goal of this board is to be a respectful environment conducive to the improvement of writing skills.
User avatar
Kermit
Posts: 1870
Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2018 9:06 pm
Location: Don't worry about it :)

#16

Post by Kermit »

Frog child!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[+] v7
[+] Michael Froese
Michael Froese - The story of an identity; the story of a matador; the story of a liar; the story of a junkie; the story of a very special frog; the story of a jackal; the story of an oscillator; the story of a ghost; the story of the death of an author; the story of a bunch of other stuff.

THREADS!

PREGAME: Mad world - This...this felt nice. - Michael was incredibly disappointed in himself for actually agreeing to go do something with Beryl. - He wasn't actually all that sorry. - Part of him was worried his real motivation wasn't self-torturing altruism but instead the fact that it was one of the few things that still made him feel.

ISLAND:
Michael and all of his friends were going to be footnotes in a history textbook. - he was folding in on himself like a four-dimensional object in three-dimensional space - Everything was about pain, fear, and love. - "Gave them our reactions, our explosions, all that was ours; For graphs of passion, and charts of stars." - He had a duty to look into someone's eyes as he killed them. - Closure really did sound like nothing at all. - "I wish we were lovers, but it's for the best." - Michael Froese the award-winning murderer. That was who he was now. - "I wanted to lose myself." - "Good and bad, all roads lead to Rome and I just, it hurts too much to be a good person." - "Somewhere out there in the deep blue sea, there's this whale." - "...It's harder to be yourself than it is to be anybody else." - "The neighbors, they adored him for his humor and his conversation. Look underneath the house there, find the few living things, rotting fast in their sleep; oh, the dead," - He gave her a big hug. He buried his head in her shoulder, feeling her cold, spongy, rubbery skin against his forehead. She had no eyes. She had no face. Something had eaten her face. - Michael Froese was a crazy person with a gun. - Validation. - "You don't live in a goddamned movie." - "I miss what it's like to be, like, actually alone." - "Market data inconsistent. Cantor API problem. Trading system offline," - Michael didn't want this. It wasn't like that'd stop him. - "I'm wide awake, it's morning." - He was a spree killer now, he supposed. - When he gave his word, he was giving nothing. - The fact they even existed was being politicized. - "BERYL FUCKING MAHELONA. TELL ME WHAT YOU DID TO BERYL MAHELONA," - 'Am I gray?' - A beach covered in unidentified decedents. - He'd never felt anything unconditionally. - "Look around you, you're surrounded.
It won't get any better. And so, goodnight."
[+] Valerija Bogdanovic
The story of a (failed) revolutionary.

THREADS!

PREGAME: August 12th, 2017 - The explosive sound of metal hitting metal

ISLAND:
She turned away. Everything from here on out was for the terrorists to see. - "All of us, we have the chance to actually do something with our lives." - The students were the shark in the box. - Complacency was festering like a tumour. - "She's right. It won't - it won't change anything," - Scraped into the wall, in neatly-styled lettering, the words "If they won't live in peace, then they'll die for peace." - Val needed a gun, - "I do not care for violence without a point," she stated. "My gun is not loaded." - "Juliette, I'm sure you already know this, but you really should take pains to be careful around people who speak only in enthymemes." - "Someone once said, 'Change must come with the barrel of a gun', and they were not wrong." - Two explosions.
none of you can prove im in v8
[+] v9, AKA. Kermit rejects modernity, returns to writing mentally ill bisexuals.
[+] Sad Gay Hours with Kermit and Mara.
Let me do my job
Let me do my job

Sylvia, get your head out of the oven
Go back to screaming and cursing
Remind me again how everyone betrayed you
Sylvia, get your head out of the covers
Let me take your temperature
You can throw the thermometer right back at me
If that's what you want to do, okay?

Please, please calm down
Steady out, I'm terrified
Sorry, I want us to ally, but you swing on little knives
They're only sharp on one side
[+] The mallgoth who died offscreen in Supers
You can read me like a book
I'm not as clever as I look
I've got a sneaky kind of selfish
That I keep up on the shelf
With jars of double-sided comments
For people who've done nothing wrong
Preparing for the lights
And always practicing my sha-na-na's
I will stand right next to giants
And roar beside the lions
[+] Johnny R. Fightmaster
What road?
What road?
What road?
What road?
I'd been working on some open-ended shit
I was looking for an in and that was it
Back at the recital, signs remain vital
A statue is stone which rejects its own pulse
You heart's fair, your heart's square, your heart's not even there
Wasting shore leave on the girls from Point St. Claire
There is a light and it goes out, oh
A touch of classicism in the night
Your backlash was right where I wanted you
Yes, that's right, I wanted you, too
[+] Pow Pow
From this position
I will relax
From this position
I can see the whole site

From this position
Oh, oh just relax
From this position
I took the staff test
I now have a purple name

And chat goes @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
It goes @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff

From this position
I can see all the pings
From this position
I totally get how our decisions were reached

From this position
I can say "no pregame murders," or "Tracen Danya is canonically a catboy TikTokker," or "go bother Deamon instead,"
From this position, from this position
It's kind of like eating myself to death

With you on the outside
And me on the inside
There's advantages to both
(Advantages to both!)

And me being uptight
And you being all right
There's advantages to each
(Advantages! Advantages!)

From this perspective, from this position
I have a good grip on both of them
Because I have stayed home
And have learned a little more about my community
Which is important
You know, Main's got 1,269 characters to read

So chat goes @Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
So it's @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
It goes @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff

With you in a sidechat
And me in the staffchat
There's advantages to both
(Advantages to both)

And now you have gone terminally inactive
And then you didn't send an appeal
And so I will have to take away your beloved character and then I will have to kill them
(And i'll feel really bad about doing it even though it's my job ;~;)

Now I have been Danya
And you are not Danya
There's advantages to each
(Advantages to each)
And we're coming back, coming back, coming back
Until there's no U.S. state left untouched on the map
We probably should have expected that people would mishandle colonialism in the Hawaii version

I'm paralyzed
And looking through you
But if nothing's right
Please don't yell at meeee

As a terrified autistic person
I'm amazed at my decision to play

On this occasion, there are a couple of things that we know that we pulled from Fact Magazine
One, character morality discourse is annoying and I don't care about it
Two, your time will come, but this is gonna be our version
So you should give us all of your roll nulls
Three, I wrote a goth and you did not, so shut up, because you don't know shit about goths that you didn't get from me

So times have been tough
And times have been tough
We have been staffkilled, unrolled, and rolled out
But honestly
And let's be honest with ourselves
How much time did we waste?
How much time did we all blow every day?

And so it's @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
Oh, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff

So @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
(Please do not ping @Staff as a joke!)
(Staff will kill you in real life!)
(Yes I mean you!)

With you on the inside
And me on the outside
There's advantages to both
(Advantages to both!)

With my name in purple
And your name in blue
There's advantages to each
(Advantages! Advantages!)

From this position
I feel an affinity for the both of them, which is confusing
But honestly
I should be careful because otherwise, I'm being, I'm being, you know, what's it called?
Oh, fuck it
...
-Reclining, I'm getting used to it
Like writing a mentally ill bisexual
It's an entirely new
Discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery

And then a couple of versions on mini
And then a version on main
And then back over to mini and then to main, again
To use up my desire for
Discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery

For an instant
We could have been sold as a book
But the site's all been plagiarized
From Koushun Takami anyway
So what you want for now
Is for someone to read you
And to hear that the trends you like
Won't become overplayed

And I don't knoOOOOOOOw what I'm doing
I don't knooooowwww
I don't knooooowwww
I don't knooooowwww

(Staff will kill you in real life!)
I'm losing my edge.
User avatar
Jilly
Posts: 1320
Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 3:54 pm
Location: drinking all of your Dr. Pepper

#17

Post by Jilly »

Lemme see those Furb onions
User avatar
Maraoone
Posts: 1039
Joined: Sun Aug 19, 2018 11:39 am

#18

Post by Maraoone »

diego larrosa Bls
[+] the youfs
V8:
S050: June Madison is just trying to get it together. She is rolling a pearl.
Previous Threads: Help I'm Alive - Come Out, Juanita, Don't Let Me Wait - Dum Spiro Spero - Everyone's Asleep In The House But Me - Daylight - keep looking forwards on paths sideways - Vultures - Ego Te Absolvo - Shawn's Marvelous Medicine - Medically Ineffective Intervention - no one knows where the ladder goes - I just can't help myself - Color In Your Cheeks - The Long Way Down - Trespasser - I'm going where the cold wind blows - One Last Roll in the Dark - Arrow - V8 Rescue
Pregame: When The Moon Hits Your Eye

Dead:
S069: Valentin Shulgin (adopted from yugi punished kun and salic) needs you to try your best. He's ran out of time in Далеко бежит дорога. [31/134]
Previous Threads: Murphy's Law - The Human Element - Mediation - Valentin Takes A Bath - the results of Valentin's experiment - Faire et Refaire - Well, I'm tired of losing - et Refaire et Refaire et Refaire - 28 Ghosts IV

S072: Przemyslaw Ziemiak (adopted from rc) is bettering himself. He finally got to see the stars in Blind Faith. [70/134]
Previous Threads: Romans 6:23 - Wendy House - Possession - Evening / Morning - She said, "Don't make others suffer for your personal hatred." - I daydream until all the snow is gone
[+] V7
V7:
Dead:
B083 - Diego Larrosa - Palayain mo na ako. - He didn't want this. say goodnight to the bad guy [10/159]
Current Theme Music: Devil Town (v1) - cavetown
Weapon: Tactical Combat Shovel
Previous Threads: Love & Money - before the day is done, my prince is gonna come - How Far I'll Go - Gimme, Gimme Shelter or I'm Gonna Fade Away - no one round here's good at keeping their eyes closed - Still Waiting - Hell is Other People - RICH_BOY_LIKES_IT_ROUGH.MP4 - I Don't Wanna Be Myself - The Bell Tolls For Our Funeral - The Gang Goes Out For Breakfast - Untrust Us - Crimewaves - Love itself is just as innocent as roses in May - Will All Be Forgiven? - black eyes looking up from below - Silent Key - it's ok we're just scared - life's alright in devil town - Beyond Human (Barely Human) - And Now Those Days Are Over and We Are All Ghosts - The Ultimate Test of Cerebral Fitness - Ang Pagbibinata ni Diego Larrosa - perverse verdict - Madness in the Method - park the car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me
Memories: Hiya sa Timog

G013 - Yuka Hayashibara (adopted from Ryuki!) - Does it spark joy? - She fixed up her look in one of a kind [46/159]
Current Theme Music: Play With Me - DDLC OST
Weapon: Bug-A-Salt Camofly 2.0 Insect Eradication Gun
Previous Threads: Quintessential Thinking - I Pray to the Lord You Reveal what His Truth is - all of our heroes fading - now i can't stand to be alone - Incredible Adventures - there's a pale imitation burnt in my eyes - Red Of Tooth And Claw - The Fifth Announcement - Low Times - Party Like It's 1999 - Hell and You - We're All Excited, We Don't Know Why, Maybe It's 'Cause, We're Gonna Die - Ron Gets a Bath As Well, Whether He Wants To or Not - No Exit
Pregame: In Vino Veritas - Shake It Out
Memories: Hayashibara Heart to Heart
Prom: Fear and Delight
Trip: Room 832: Welcome to the Witching Hour

G052 - Joanne Coleman (adopted from Cicada!) - I've got a thick skin and an elastic heart. - She tried to do something in Sleep Is The Cousin Of Death [116/159]
Current Theme Music: When You Die - MGMT
Weapon: George Hunter High School mascot costume
Previous Threads: hold on to this lullaby - Don't Stray Off The Path - D.R.E.A.M. - I'm Not That Nice, I'm Mean and I'm Evil - we keep these promises, write it in a letter
Pregame: You did not break me. I'm still fighting for peace. - Desperate Times - Heavy is the Head That Wears the Crown - Do You Have The Time - i'm so 3008
Memories: I'm alright. I'm just fine. And you're a tool, so. - Make A New Cult Every Day

G075 - Aditi Sharma (adopted from Brackie! and somer!) - She failed in Yellow Light [88/159]
Weapon: Browning Hi Power 9mm
Previous Threads: Pandorama - Antisocial Darwinism - My Lucifer Is Lonely - They Couldn't Buy A Fucking Toaster. They're Broke, John.
[+] V6
V6 Characters:
G062 - Olivia Fischer prayed a thousand prayers in Ye Not [37/107]
Previous Threads: Sæglópur - Until all our yesterdays are lighted fools... - the way to dusty death - a concrete cave - I'd Say That I've Had Worse Days, but Then I'd Be Lying - Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying - Until Then, You Are Free - Cast in the Name of God
Memories: Sometimes when we reach for the stars...
Weapon: Lobotomy pick.
[+] V5
Dead:
B045 - Juhan Levandi - An Estonian wanna-be journalist with a fear of the dark who wanted to bring them all down in Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien [18/152]
Weapon: Party Bag (contains a noisemaker, party hat, two single-serving bags of candy, and a Hotwheels car)
Pre-Game Threads: Wiping All Out - Quixotic
Previous V5 Threads: Despair - The Real Folk Blues - The two people in the distance were Paulo and Becca - Mischief Managed - Sleeper Cell - Tell No Tales - So, How Was Your Day? - And I'm Not Sleeping Now - Intermission - Glass - A Manic Depressive Named Laughing Boy
G067 - Carmina Maliksi - A Filipina car junkie with a /slight/ obsession with Korea and Japan who has finished things up (somewhat) in Red as Blood [139/152]
Weapon: Non-Functional Flamethrower (left in the Clubhouse)
Previous V5 Threads: Finding Center - Wish I Could Breathe - The Visionary
Memories: Offended?
B054 - Oscar Trig (adopted from Greg the Anti-Viking) - An artist who desperately needs a pencil, paper and a cigar and thought with his heart in Fumble [76/152]
Weapon: Binoculars
Pregame Threads: Taking it to the Streets
Previous V5 Threads: Waking Up at the Beginning of Time - Steadier Footing - Handoff
[+] misc
[+] meirl
Image
new resting place for chatsig never forget 2018
give my v8 kids friends pls
User avatar
Espi
Posts: 887
Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 7:23 pm
Location: New York but not the city

#19

Post by Espi »

Hi please look at Rhonda Lawson except not really that'll make her nervous but also please look at her!
User avatar
Latin For Dragula
Posts: 1802
Joined: Thu Aug 09, 2018 3:37 pm
Contact:

#20

Post by Latin For Dragula »

Queue is now full! will update it when i'm not in a prison of my own sins
[+] SotF Characters
[+] V5 Characters
ImageG056, Alda Abbate(Adopted)
It was difficult to nail down exactly when the anger started. Remembering a time when it wasn't there, coiled up and waiting to strike or alive and thrashing, was growing more and more challenging. It'd been with her for so long that it no longer felt like an intruder in her mind. It felt like a part of her.
ImageB062, Garrett Wilde
I multiplied. Then I subtracted. That's what we do now. That's how we keep the most people around.
ImageB014, Joachim Lovelace(Adopted)
Your turn.
[+] V6 Characters

ImageG037, Abby Floyd:This place was vile. Overwhelmingly, terribly vile. Character Theme: Everything's Alright-Emily Scholz
ImageB016, Ty Yazzie: You ever wonder if you still got a home to go back to? Character Theme: Warrior People-Medicine For The People
ImageIsaac Brea(Adopted from Espi): Isaac's well of fucks was bone-dry. Character Theme: The Whiskey, The Liar, The Thief-Patent Pending
ImageG011, Caedyn Miller:So...how did you wanna do this? Feeling an open casket? Or is that dumb? Nah, don't say it, that's dumb. We'll be soup by the time they send us home anyway. Character Theme: Sleep-My Chemical Romance
ImageG032, Irene Djezari(Adopted from CicadaDays): Death was not worse than Meme Hell. Character Theme: A Beautiful Lie-30 Seconds To Mars
[+] V7 Characters
ImageB066, Blaise d'Aramitz: I am not fucking dabbing on a corpse, Carl. Character Theme: The Nurse Who Loved Me-A Perfect Circle
ImageG032, Helena 'Hel" Fury: I hope my family’s waiting. The one I made out here. I hope you’ll be a part of it again. Character Theme: Fix Me-10 YearsImage
ImageB073, Jeremiah Anderson: "GO--GO--GO." Character theme: The Big Sleep-Murder By Death
ImageG066, Marco Hart: I'm not satisfied anymore. I don't think I'd want to be if I could. Character theme: Maurice's Monsters-Small Leaks Sink Ships
ImageG080, Nikki Nelson-Kelly: The fools. The morons. The aBsOlUtE cReTiNs. Character Theme: Movement-The Whip
ImageG062, Tonya Collins: The girl, the person, the thing, the shape on the screen, that wasn't her. Character Theme: Get Down-Isador
User avatar
CondorTalon
Posts: 479
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 6:17 am

#21

Post by CondorTalon »

Catherine'Z 'ier for critique

I'm dumb and didn't realize there was a second page. I'll wait until next go around.
User avatar
Latin For Dragula
Posts: 1802
Joined: Thu Aug 09, 2018 3:37 pm
Contact:

#22

Post by Latin For Dragula »

Boop boop it's a Ariana Moretti Critique V1

THE COMPELLING

Ariana has a consistent compelling dynamic between conflicted thought and decisive action. Her inner monologue is often uncertain to the point of being messy, but when it's time for her to externalize her feelings coalesce into clear intent. Ariana doesn't freeze like you would expect, but her thoughts and actions don't contradict either. We get moments where she shoves the chaos to the side to go with whatever feels most pressing in the moment. Between my dad and clients I've watched a lot of cop drama over the year, and it feels fitting that she evokes the same snap decision energy their protagonists do given her aspirations.

What's really fun about this is all the places it can go from here. Ariana is trying to be a positive, protective influence on her classmates but we've had a few moments already where she's been tempted to act rashly. How long can she go before her control slips and she hurts someone she either misread or did not intend to attack? What about the opposite direction where her confidence wavers and she fails to act before someone else pays the price? Ariana is a good person so I don't think I'm offbase when I say we want to root for her, and that makes the possibility that things could go wrong all the more tense. It's appropriate that one of her earliest posts includes a line on unpredictability getting people killed.

Brief shout out to getting that loud voice advantage to pay dividends immediately.

THE DRAGGING

Another one where nitpicky would be helpful because both of the takes I have here are extremely taste dependent. The first is that while I enjoy the tone of Ari's inner monologue, it tends to run really really long. The biggest example of this is her multishot where she keeps returning to the same themes in different ways. There's so much packed into these posts that could have been spaced out over time; I'm trying not to break it down in detail because that's outside the scope of this format, but I really wish things like her dwelling on how her classmates are gonna fare, her feelings about suicide, about her family, about ross, about announcement reacts, all had more room to breathe. It's a big info dump to try and take all of this in at once and I feel each element would be stronger if it had time to marinate before we get into the next. This happens a lot in Ariana's posts; you clearly have a lot of good content to write for her but it's crowded right now. I'd love to see her slow down and focus on a few elements for at least a scene at a time.

The second thing that stands out is her relationship with Ross. Nothing takes me out of a story faster than charactercest because it feels very safe, you have total control over this story barring Ariana getting rolled and that makes it difficult for me to get invested. I feel like no one is externally complicating their interactions despite the fact that they both have a bunch of lived relationships. The Dante pull is good, and maybe more elements like that where we see them reacting to each other's social circles would help. This is very much a personal bugbear that I'm sure you expected when you threw her at me so take it as you want!

I feel compelled to write little one sentence blurbs that basically come down to i like your kid more content please 99% of the time and this one is me commenting that I'm probably stopping that because it feels super fake go read ariana okay goodbye thank you
[+] SotF Characters
[+] V5 Characters
ImageG056, Alda Abbate(Adopted)
It was difficult to nail down exactly when the anger started. Remembering a time when it wasn't there, coiled up and waiting to strike or alive and thrashing, was growing more and more challenging. It'd been with her for so long that it no longer felt like an intruder in her mind. It felt like a part of her.
ImageB062, Garrett Wilde
I multiplied. Then I subtracted. That's what we do now. That's how we keep the most people around.
ImageB014, Joachim Lovelace(Adopted)
Your turn.
[+] V6 Characters

ImageG037, Abby Floyd:This place was vile. Overwhelmingly, terribly vile. Character Theme: Everything's Alright-Emily Scholz
ImageB016, Ty Yazzie: You ever wonder if you still got a home to go back to? Character Theme: Warrior People-Medicine For The People
ImageIsaac Brea(Adopted from Espi): Isaac's well of fucks was bone-dry. Character Theme: The Whiskey, The Liar, The Thief-Patent Pending
ImageG011, Caedyn Miller:So...how did you wanna do this? Feeling an open casket? Or is that dumb? Nah, don't say it, that's dumb. We'll be soup by the time they send us home anyway. Character Theme: Sleep-My Chemical Romance
ImageG032, Irene Djezari(Adopted from CicadaDays): Death was not worse than Meme Hell. Character Theme: A Beautiful Lie-30 Seconds To Mars
[+] V7 Characters
ImageB066, Blaise d'Aramitz: I am not fucking dabbing on a corpse, Carl. Character Theme: The Nurse Who Loved Me-A Perfect Circle
ImageG032, Helena 'Hel" Fury: I hope my family’s waiting. The one I made out here. I hope you’ll be a part of it again. Character Theme: Fix Me-10 YearsImage
ImageB073, Jeremiah Anderson: "GO--GO--GO." Character theme: The Big Sleep-Murder By Death
ImageG066, Marco Hart: I'm not satisfied anymore. I don't think I'd want to be if I could. Character theme: Maurice's Monsters-Small Leaks Sink Ships
ImageG080, Nikki Nelson-Kelly: The fools. The morons. The aBsOlUtE cReTiNs. Character Theme: Movement-The Whip
ImageG062, Tonya Collins: The girl, the person, the thing, the shape on the screen, that wasn't her. Character Theme: Get Down-Isador
User avatar
Latin For Dragula
Posts: 1802
Joined: Thu Aug 09, 2018 3:37 pm
Contact:

#23

Post by Latin For Dragula »

Boop boop it's a Michael Froese Critique V1

THE COMPELLING

There is something to be said for writing that is deliberately difficult to follow. Michael falls in there without question to me. He has one typicalish thread and then immediately flies off the rails in a combination of overmedication, mental illness, and trauma that honestly works pretty well for me as a reader while being minimally obtrusive to his threadmates. What I mean by that is for the most part Michael's dialogue and actions are grounded even when his thought process is not. They certainly look wilder with the context of his inner monologue, but when you strip that away most of what he externalizes isn't that out of the ordinary.

Most.

We'll get back to that.

On top of that I think the incoherency of his thoughts is understandable as a reader with the right lens. He hyperfixates. He hates himself and finds projection of his insecurity in others. He tries to apply rational rails to his out of control train of thought and boy does that not help. The underlying truth of Michael is that he's a person who feels very empty latching on to the images of other people he creates to give him meaning, because it's easier to define himself by someone else than try to fill in the gaps in his own being he feels nothing can fill.

Fuck.

What a mood my guy

THE DRAGGING

Okay frog this is where I must bully you. What's Michael's story? What is the arc you're telling with him? Under all the subtext and anarchy, where's the point? I'm not saying there isn't one, but when you write a character who is intelligibly unintelligible, who at heart feels like nothing and defines himself by fiction that must be dispelled, what are we left with at the end of the story? Michael is unraveling further every thread and there are times that it feels like when the final string is pulled there won't be anything left. Maybe that's the point! But gods is it a miserable point to arrive at and you're gonna have to sell the hell out of it to make me feel like I didn't waste my time. It's okay if his story is a tragedy, but what carries tragedy is the hope that things could be different, and with the way you've presented things I don't see a better path for him. There are so many interesting groups he's been in, but right now the only character he feels solidly rooted to is one that is both dead and also not even really that character. Everything else is just whim.

Let's address the most up top as well; Michael is losing his grounded action hard. The last few posts have him going full scenery chew with manic not-suicide attempts and blood painting and pretending to be a corpse and it's just...it's a lot my dude. I feel like he's gone from cartoon brain interacting with reality to full cartoon transplanted into reality, and how does reality deal with that? If he stays on this course it gets increasingly more difficult to engage with him, and Michael is strongly in need of people to keep his story grounded. Maybe that means branching into more idealized images other than Beryl since I think you've milked that one about as much as it gets, maybe that means finding a way genuinely interface long term, I dunno, that's your move! I'd be careful with the Big Crazy Antics, though. For me they miss what makes Michael so compelling.
[+] SotF Characters
[+] V5 Characters
ImageG056, Alda Abbate(Adopted)
It was difficult to nail down exactly when the anger started. Remembering a time when it wasn't there, coiled up and waiting to strike or alive and thrashing, was growing more and more challenging. It'd been with her for so long that it no longer felt like an intruder in her mind. It felt like a part of her.
ImageB062, Garrett Wilde
I multiplied. Then I subtracted. That's what we do now. That's how we keep the most people around.
ImageB014, Joachim Lovelace(Adopted)
Your turn.
[+] V6 Characters

ImageG037, Abby Floyd:This place was vile. Overwhelmingly, terribly vile. Character Theme: Everything's Alright-Emily Scholz
ImageB016, Ty Yazzie: You ever wonder if you still got a home to go back to? Character Theme: Warrior People-Medicine For The People
ImageIsaac Brea(Adopted from Espi): Isaac's well of fucks was bone-dry. Character Theme: The Whiskey, The Liar, The Thief-Patent Pending
ImageG011, Caedyn Miller:So...how did you wanna do this? Feeling an open casket? Or is that dumb? Nah, don't say it, that's dumb. We'll be soup by the time they send us home anyway. Character Theme: Sleep-My Chemical Romance
ImageG032, Irene Djezari(Adopted from CicadaDays): Death was not worse than Meme Hell. Character Theme: A Beautiful Lie-30 Seconds To Mars
[+] V7 Characters
ImageB066, Blaise d'Aramitz: I am not fucking dabbing on a corpse, Carl. Character Theme: The Nurse Who Loved Me-A Perfect Circle
ImageG032, Helena 'Hel" Fury: I hope my family’s waiting. The one I made out here. I hope you’ll be a part of it again. Character Theme: Fix Me-10 YearsImage
ImageB073, Jeremiah Anderson: "GO--GO--GO." Character theme: The Big Sleep-Murder By Death
ImageG066, Marco Hart: I'm not satisfied anymore. I don't think I'd want to be if I could. Character theme: Maurice's Monsters-Small Leaks Sink Ships
ImageG080, Nikki Nelson-Kelly: The fools. The morons. The aBsOlUtE cReTiNs. Character Theme: Movement-The Whip
ImageG062, Tonya Collins: The girl, the person, the thing, the shape on the screen, that wasn't her. Character Theme: Get Down-Isador
Post Reply

Return to “Critiques”