((Kai Rosado-Prince continued from And When I Bite Down))
The weather seemed to only be getting worse day by day. Kai had thought to make a lap or two of the research station, but he was coated with snow only a few minutes in, and he had nothing to shield himself but his jacket. He had taken Meena's shotgun since that seemed like the best and most visible deterrent to any trouble, and his bag because it felt wrong to go walking around without it at this point, but he'd left the umbrella and everything else with Kitty.
He swiftly changed plans and ducked into the closest building, shaking himself off and stomping to clear clinging snow from his boots. Even as he went about that, it was dawning on him that this building might not have been a great choice.
This place stank. Literally. There was the stench of death and something else rancid underneath it heavy in the air. He only had to take a cursory glance around to confirm what his other senses already knew. The lab, as it seemed to be from the intact fixtures, had been trashed. There was more than one figure spread on the floor, and the smell was enough to convince Kai not to investigate further.
This was old carnage. He wasn't interested in seeing anymore up close.
He thought about leaving again. Then what, though? Back out into the heavy snowfall. Visibility was bad enough out there that he ran the risk of literally stumbling into something he'd rather not. There probably wasn't a single building here that didn't house at least one body. Kai certainly wasn't interested in going door to door to check. Even in the tunnels, he'd know that Derek and Chiara's bodies were down there, laying somewhere just outside his vision.
He could go back to the housing building and sit in the basement with Kitty and Ash as they had whatever stilted conversation they were going to have. Kitty wouldn't want to leave her now, and they couldn't cart her around, so-
Kai took a moment to envision the next day or two, huddled down in the dark. Listening to Ashlyn's raspy breathing and Kitty's attempts at reassurance or explanation.
Sitting and waiting and sitting and waiting until someone else stumbled across them or Ashlyn finally-
Maybe it was that thought, or an inhale of rancid air hit him just wrong. Maybe one of those things was the straw that broke the camel's back. Maybe whatever sort of timer Kai's state of shock since the previous day was on just ran out.
Whatever the cause, he bolted from the lab and back out into the snow and then doubled over to retch.
Me & Cinderella
Day 8, private for now
Me & Cinderella
"Art enriches the community, Steve, no less than a pulsing fire hose, or a fireman beating down a blazing door. So what if we're drawing a nude man? So what if all we ever draw is a nude man, or the same nude man over and over in all sorts of provocative positions? Context, not content! Process, not subject! Don't be so gauche, Steve, it's beneath you."
((California Fox continued from D’état, de grâce))
The cigarette had burned to a nub and extinguished, joined with more bad weather and worse news. But still, she kept walking, walking and hoping that she would find Kai. Marshall was still with her, his presence calming, to a certain degree. It was better than walking around with only her thoughts for company. Calfornia rubbed her forearm where the flail had caught it. The cuts no longer resembled gills and had begun to scab over, appearing reminiscent of molten rock that had cooled. They had come to the research station not out of any grand plan, but based on the simple idea of eliminating all options. If they searched everywhere the thinking went they had to get a hit eventually. But realistically California was beginning to lose hope.
The driving snow blinded her eyes and chilled her skin. It exhausted her muscles to have to push through the deep sheets of it that had fallen across the snowfield. She was tired, cold, and filled with dread. Dread of hearing Kai's name appear on the next announcement or of finding his body. She didn't want to dwell on the outcomes, she had avoided dwelling on anything. Marshall still wanted to question her about Salem, but she was avoiding the topic. Not deftly or subtly, her refusal was obvious and rudimentary. Her own awareness of that fact stunted any real conversation they could have because she could feel Marshall's desire to probe her about what she so obviously knew and there was no way for her to navigate out of that conversation if it began.
So they kept walking and the snow along with her hope kept falling. Occasionally she would ball her hands into fists and then stretch her fingers all the way out, trying to keep the blood flow to her extremities up. They had checked a couple of buildings and hadn't found Kai, so they were once again out in the snow, navigating to the next square husk, that only promised them corpses and disappointment when instead someone else burst through the door and stumbled outside.
California froze like an ice sculpture, unmoving and eyes wide. Unsure of what to do with the sudden appearance of another person for the first time in hours.
The figure doubled over and began vomiting. California knew the familiar posture, she had seen it enough times when she'd gone to gigs in Boston.
She continued watching, not wanting to get closer.
"You uh," There was a pause as she gave an unsure glance over her shoulder at Marshall. But then as she turned back around she saw the figure clearer through the snow.
"Oh my god," She breathed as her heart sped up.
"Kai?"
The cigarette had burned to a nub and extinguished, joined with more bad weather and worse news. But still, she kept walking, walking and hoping that she would find Kai. Marshall was still with her, his presence calming, to a certain degree. It was better than walking around with only her thoughts for company. Calfornia rubbed her forearm where the flail had caught it. The cuts no longer resembled gills and had begun to scab over, appearing reminiscent of molten rock that had cooled. They had come to the research station not out of any grand plan, but based on the simple idea of eliminating all options. If they searched everywhere the thinking went they had to get a hit eventually. But realistically California was beginning to lose hope.
The driving snow blinded her eyes and chilled her skin. It exhausted her muscles to have to push through the deep sheets of it that had fallen across the snowfield. She was tired, cold, and filled with dread. Dread of hearing Kai's name appear on the next announcement or of finding his body. She didn't want to dwell on the outcomes, she had avoided dwelling on anything. Marshall still wanted to question her about Salem, but she was avoiding the topic. Not deftly or subtly, her refusal was obvious and rudimentary. Her own awareness of that fact stunted any real conversation they could have because she could feel Marshall's desire to probe her about what she so obviously knew and there was no way for her to navigate out of that conversation if it began.
So they kept walking and the snow along with her hope kept falling. Occasionally she would ball her hands into fists and then stretch her fingers all the way out, trying to keep the blood flow to her extremities up. They had checked a couple of buildings and hadn't found Kai, so they were once again out in the snow, navigating to the next square husk, that only promised them corpses and disappointment when instead someone else burst through the door and stumbled outside.
California froze like an ice sculpture, unmoving and eyes wide. Unsure of what to do with the sudden appearance of another person for the first time in hours.
The figure doubled over and began vomiting. California knew the familiar posture, she had seen it enough times when she'd gone to gigs in Boston.
She continued watching, not wanting to get closer.
"You uh," There was a pause as she gave an unsure glance over her shoulder at Marshall. But then as she turned back around she saw the figure clearer through the snow.
"Oh my god," She breathed as her heart sped up.
"Kai?"
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ViolentMedic
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((Marshall West continued from 8.))
They’d left town behind. The wilderness was too big to know where to go to find someone. So they’d gone to the research station. California had been there once already. Marshall had realised that, despite priding himself on his speed, he’d barely traveled the island at all. And it didn’t sound like he’d ever be able to go near the ocean or the mines.
They were all being herded together, slowly but surely. That would have been nice a week ago. Now it just reinforced that it no longer mattered if they were packed together. Isolation had done its job already.
The announcements had come with another wave of deaths. Chloé. Of course Chloé was on it. Fred, too. Maybe partially responsible for Dominiqua, maybe not. Not seen since the mountain, now killed by Juanita. Juanita was in the body improvement club. She’d killed how many now? Lúcio had led that club. He’d been killed by his sister. That one stung like he was being stabbed himself, much like Chloé did, Marshall had admired him in a way that made him feel warm and now that warmth was just an ache. Who was left from his team? Victor? Josh? Josh hadn’t killed anyone this time. It still felt like a mistake that he’d been listed at all.
Just a chain of grief and what-ifs and wondering who was left. Was it really only half of them that were dead? It felt like more.
And amongst it all… not only had Salem killed again (and not only did California still not want to talk about it), but this time so had Kai. He’d snapped the neck of Derek Caldwell.
That hadn’t seemed to stop their plans to find him, but Marshall hadn’t asked yet.
All this wandering around, all this failure. Walking around the research station, looking for Kai, half-hoping and half-fearing that he’d run into Richard, Iris and Darryl and have to tell them what had happened to Chloe. (But they’d know by now.)
And Kai just popped out of a door and threw up in the snow like he’d been waiting there all along.
…
He didn’t want to get in the way. He wanted to see Kai, too. But he could wait.
But Kai had snapped a boy’s neck. And the thought made Marshall’s shoulders tense, jaw clench, holding back that demand to know why.
Still, California wanted to see him. And he couldn’t connect the boy who’d help save him and Jess from freezing to death with the idea of him killing on a whim.
So Marshall stood where he was, half-sliding his bag off his shoulder. He’d drop it if he had to. He wasn’t sure what he’d do if Kai attacked, but… if Kai didn’t, then it was more important to let them have their time. That had been the whole point of coming here.
They’d left town behind. The wilderness was too big to know where to go to find someone. So they’d gone to the research station. California had been there once already. Marshall had realised that, despite priding himself on his speed, he’d barely traveled the island at all. And it didn’t sound like he’d ever be able to go near the ocean or the mines.
They were all being herded together, slowly but surely. That would have been nice a week ago. Now it just reinforced that it no longer mattered if they were packed together. Isolation had done its job already.
The announcements had come with another wave of deaths. Chloé. Of course Chloé was on it. Fred, too. Maybe partially responsible for Dominiqua, maybe not. Not seen since the mountain, now killed by Juanita. Juanita was in the body improvement club. She’d killed how many now? Lúcio had led that club. He’d been killed by his sister. That one stung like he was being stabbed himself, much like Chloé did, Marshall had admired him in a way that made him feel warm and now that warmth was just an ache. Who was left from his team? Victor? Josh? Josh hadn’t killed anyone this time. It still felt like a mistake that he’d been listed at all.
Just a chain of grief and what-ifs and wondering who was left. Was it really only half of them that were dead? It felt like more.
And amongst it all… not only had Salem killed again (and not only did California still not want to talk about it), but this time so had Kai. He’d snapped the neck of Derek Caldwell.
That hadn’t seemed to stop their plans to find him, but Marshall hadn’t asked yet.
All this wandering around, all this failure. Walking around the research station, looking for Kai, half-hoping and half-fearing that he’d run into Richard, Iris and Darryl and have to tell them what had happened to Chloe. (But they’d know by now.)
And Kai just popped out of a door and threw up in the snow like he’d been waiting there all along.
…
He didn’t want to get in the way. He wanted to see Kai, too. But he could wait.
But Kai had snapped a boy’s neck. And the thought made Marshall’s shoulders tense, jaw clench, holding back that demand to know why.
Still, California wanted to see him. And he couldn’t connect the boy who’d help save him and Jess from freezing to death with the idea of him killing on a whim.
So Marshall stood where he was, half-sliding his bag off his shoulder. He’d drop it if he had to. He wasn’t sure what he’d do if Kai attacked, but… if Kai didn’t, then it was more important to let them have their time. That had been the whole point of coming here.
There was an awful moment where Kai realized that he didn't have enough hands, followed by an awkward scramble as he tried to brace against his knees, keep hold of the shotgun, and keep his glasses from sliding off his face all at once. He ended up dropping the shotgun in the snow in favor of keeping his glasses on so that they didn't land in the spot in front of him that was now spotted with bile and the remnants of his last meal.
The smell of vomit aside, the air out here was fresher. He pulled in deep lungfuls in between gagging and spitting. A wave of dizziness rolled over him the first time that he tried to straighten up, so he stayed doubled over for a moment. The snow steadily coating his head and back no longer bothered him as much.
He might have stayed there a lot longer if Cali's voice hadn't broken through his haze. Kai shot up as though he'd been shocked, and immediately paid the price for it with another spell of lightheadedness. Stared just like the proverbial deer in headlights at the two people who had just materialized in front of him.
"I-" He croaked. He realized that he was still clutching his glasses like they might fly away and let go of them. Didn't know what to do with his hands after that. Started to take a step towards Cali, to run to her like he'd run to Kitty and Ren. Remembered Marshall. Remembered the announcement.
"I- oh my God, Cali. I'm not-" He didn't know what he was trying to say. I'm not dangerous, I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not okay.
"Don't go in there," was what he finally got out. "It stinks. Really bad." Glanced at Marshall again. Couldn't meet his eyes. A fresh jolt of shame shot through him at how he'd yelled and hit Marshall the last time they saw each other. At everything that had happened since.
The smell of vomit aside, the air out here was fresher. He pulled in deep lungfuls in between gagging and spitting. A wave of dizziness rolled over him the first time that he tried to straighten up, so he stayed doubled over for a moment. The snow steadily coating his head and back no longer bothered him as much.
He might have stayed there a lot longer if Cali's voice hadn't broken through his haze. Kai shot up as though he'd been shocked, and immediately paid the price for it with another spell of lightheadedness. Stared just like the proverbial deer in headlights at the two people who had just materialized in front of him.
"I-" He croaked. He realized that he was still clutching his glasses like they might fly away and let go of them. Didn't know what to do with his hands after that. Started to take a step towards Cali, to run to her like he'd run to Kitty and Ren. Remembered Marshall. Remembered the announcement.
"I- oh my God, Cali. I'm not-" He didn't know what he was trying to say. I'm not dangerous, I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not okay.
"Don't go in there," was what he finally got out. "It stinks. Really bad." Glanced at Marshall again. Couldn't meet his eyes. A fresh jolt of shame shot through him at how he'd yelled and hit Marshall the last time they saw each other. At everything that had happened since.
"Art enriches the community, Steve, no less than a pulsing fire hose, or a fireman beating down a blazing door. So what if we're drawing a nude man? So what if all we ever draw is a nude man, or the same nude man over and over in all sorts of provocative positions? Context, not content! Process, not subject! Don't be so gauche, Steve, it's beneath you."
Kai seemed to take a moment to recognise her. Then he froze in shock, as if sensing an onrushing car. Fight or flight in competition to win out before he spoke again. He stuttered and stumbled over his words in a way that was unlike him. California knew why, of course she knew why. She had heard the announcer happily describe the killing he had committed and she knew she should have pushed him on it, asked exactly what happened and why he did it. But she couldn’t bring herself to do that, not then. Not when she was so relieved to have finally found him.
She had taken a few steps forward but stopped when Kai instructed her not to go inside, displaying no hesitation in trusting him despite everything. Despite the rules of the game they were supposed to be playing.
Instead she pulled her hood down and hand releasing the icepick in her pocket took her hat off, shaking her hair free. She looked over at him and for the first time since waking up she smiled, a genuine smile.
“I’ve been looking for you.”
She had taken a few steps forward but stopped when Kai instructed her not to go inside, displaying no hesitation in trusting him despite everything. Despite the rules of the game they were supposed to be playing.
Instead she pulled her hood down and hand releasing the icepick in her pocket took her hat off, shaking her hair free. She looked over at him and for the first time since waking up she smiled, a genuine smile.
“I’ve been looking for you.”
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ViolentMedic
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Marshall didn’t stop when California did at Kai’s warning, though he did glance at Kai first. But after a moment, he shifted to door and cracked it open just a smidge to peer inside. The wave of stench hit him first and Marshall covered his nose and mouth with the palm of his bad hand, the stench being so bad that shoving his nose into stained bandages was a better option. Then he saw the blond mohawk.
“Oh,” he mumbled, before he closed the door.
He’d recognise Tully’s hairstyle anywhere. When had he mourned his teammate? No, he hadn’t enough, had he… that had been the same round that Jess had been announced dead in.
But all he said outloud is, very quietly, “Very smelly. You weren’t lying.”
He stood still, leaving his good hand on the door handle. He half-faced away from the two, still looking over to keep them in his view, and his eyes briefly lingering on the shotgun Kai had dropped. But then he looked away with a faint nod and kept himself mostly turned away. There was no risk in letting them have their time. Kai could kill them with one shot even if Marshall faced him.
Marshall wanted to ask why he’d killed Derek. But he also didn’t want to hear the reason, and learn that it was just like DeMarcus and Matthew. It was easier, or they deserved it, or whatever it would be.
He also knew if he looked at Kai for too long, his composure would snap and he’d want to start apologizing and crying for everything that had happened. And it wasn’t that he didn’t want to… but not right now.
Not when California was smiling like that. One of the only good things he'd seen in days.
“Oh,” he mumbled, before he closed the door.
He’d recognise Tully’s hairstyle anywhere. When had he mourned his teammate? No, he hadn’t enough, had he… that had been the same round that Jess had been announced dead in.
But all he said outloud is, very quietly, “Very smelly. You weren’t lying.”
He stood still, leaving his good hand on the door handle. He half-faced away from the two, still looking over to keep them in his view, and his eyes briefly lingering on the shotgun Kai had dropped. But then he looked away with a faint nod and kept himself mostly turned away. There was no risk in letting them have their time. Kai could kill them with one shot even if Marshall faced him.
Marshall wanted to ask why he’d killed Derek. But he also didn’t want to hear the reason, and learn that it was just like DeMarcus and Matthew. It was easier, or they deserved it, or whatever it would be.
He also knew if he looked at Kai for too long, his composure would snap and he’d want to start apologizing and crying for everything that had happened. And it wasn’t that he didn’t want to… but not right now.
Not when California was smiling like that. One of the only good things he'd seen in days.
"Oh."
Cali didn't smile a whole lot, which was fine. Some people didn't. Kai wasn't sure he'd ever seen her smile quite like that before. He definitely hadn't seen a smile like that on anyone's face in at least a week.
He staggered a few more steps towards her, one arm outstretched as though to pull her into a hug. Because he wanted to. He really, really wanted to, and she was smiling at him in spite of everything.
"I- was looking for you too," he mumbled. Not hard enough, too consumed with finding Kitty and trying to hold her back. But he'd wanted to see Cali so, so badly, especially after Ren-
"Sorry, hang on-" Because his vision was blurring, and it felt like he'd just broken down crying a minute ago even though it had been days. Marshall was standing right there. Kai turned his face away from them and took his glasses off, wiping his eyes on his sleeve.
"Sorry," he repeated, voice wobbling. "I'm a mess. I don't- know what to do." That was really it. The simplest summary of everything from start to finish.
"I'm so glad you're- okay."
Cali didn't smile a whole lot, which was fine. Some people didn't. Kai wasn't sure he'd ever seen her smile quite like that before. He definitely hadn't seen a smile like that on anyone's face in at least a week.
He staggered a few more steps towards her, one arm outstretched as though to pull her into a hug. Because he wanted to. He really, really wanted to, and she was smiling at him in spite of everything.
"I- was looking for you too," he mumbled. Not hard enough, too consumed with finding Kitty and trying to hold her back. But he'd wanted to see Cali so, so badly, especially after Ren-
"Sorry, hang on-" Because his vision was blurring, and it felt like he'd just broken down crying a minute ago even though it had been days. Marshall was standing right there. Kai turned his face away from them and took his glasses off, wiping his eyes on his sleeve.
"Sorry," he repeated, voice wobbling. "I'm a mess. I don't- know what to do." That was really it. The simplest summary of everything from start to finish.
"I'm so glad you're- okay."
"Art enriches the community, Steve, no less than a pulsing fire hose, or a fireman beating down a blazing door. So what if we're drawing a nude man? So what if all we ever draw is a nude man, or the same nude man over and over in all sorts of provocative positions? Context, not content! Process, not subject! Don't be so gauche, Steve, it's beneath you."
“It’s okay,” California responded, voice gentle, lacking the sullen tone she’d had for much of her time in the snow.
It hurt to see Kai so unsure, so adrift. She knew why he was so emotional even if he didn’t vocalise it. He’d had to kill. California was sure it was a situation where Kai had been left with no other choice, she didn’t know why she felt that way when she had been exposed to the first of Kitty’s many murders. But it had been nearly a week before Kai had taken a life.
So even with the goal of the game and what everyone said, with the knowledge she possessed and the memory of the scenes she had witnessed, California still stepped forward.
Her feet glided through the snow as she approached Kai.
She wasn’t a person who showed much affection. California had never been social. It was hard to figure out what to say and how you were supposed to say it. If you mixed that with how saying the wrong thing could earn mockery and California had found it scary. So it was easier to stay by herself and bury herself in drawing, it was easier to express herself and people found her drawings cool.
But all that uncertainty melted away as she saw the state Kai was in.
She moved closer to him, close enough that she could feel his breath on her face and wrapped her arms around him in as comforting an embrace as she could manage.
“I’m glad too.”
It hurt to see Kai so unsure, so adrift. She knew why he was so emotional even if he didn’t vocalise it. He’d had to kill. California was sure it was a situation where Kai had been left with no other choice, she didn’t know why she felt that way when she had been exposed to the first of Kitty’s many murders. But it had been nearly a week before Kai had taken a life.
So even with the goal of the game and what everyone said, with the knowledge she possessed and the memory of the scenes she had witnessed, California still stepped forward.
Her feet glided through the snow as she approached Kai.
She wasn’t a person who showed much affection. California had never been social. It was hard to figure out what to say and how you were supposed to say it. If you mixed that with how saying the wrong thing could earn mockery and California had found it scary. So it was easier to stay by herself and bury herself in drawing, it was easier to express herself and people found her drawings cool.
But all that uncertainty melted away as she saw the state Kai was in.
She moved closer to him, close enough that she could feel his breath on her face and wrapped her arms around him in as comforting an embrace as she could manage.
“I’m glad too.”
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ViolentMedic
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Seeing Kai try not to cry was sad… and yet reassuring, compared to people like DeMarcus and Matthew who had killed without seemingly feeling anything. Maybe it was the killing. Maybe it was the relief of seeing a friend who hadn’t fallen victim to it. Maybe both. But the tears told Marshall that he didn’t have to fear Kai, at least not in that moment.
“It’d be weirder not to be crying after the last week,” Marshall said. Though he looked away anyway. He’d learned, mostly through his own mistakes, that people often didn’t like being looked at when they cried.
Also witnessing the hugging made him feel sad for some reason. He understood being happy for them, but not the sickly feeling that accompanied it.
Didn’t matter. A few months ago, his response to making Teddie cry had been to follow him to the bathroom in an attempt to fix it. That hadn’t gone well. But it had fixed itself over time. There was less time on the island, but the best thing he could do to help Kai was to let California handle it.
“I’m going to leave you guys alone for a bit. I’ll be in the smelly room. Call if something goes wrong, and I’ll come right back.”
He opened the door, reaching down to pull his scarf over his nose, and entered the room where Tully had met his end. He closed the door behind him, and gave the two friends privacy.
“It’d be weirder not to be crying after the last week,” Marshall said. Though he looked away anyway. He’d learned, mostly through his own mistakes, that people often didn’t like being looked at when they cried.
Also witnessing the hugging made him feel sad for some reason. He understood being happy for them, but not the sickly feeling that accompanied it.
Didn’t matter. A few months ago, his response to making Teddie cry had been to follow him to the bathroom in an attempt to fix it. That hadn’t gone well. But it had fixed itself over time. There was less time on the island, but the best thing he could do to help Kai was to let California handle it.
“I’m going to leave you guys alone for a bit. I’ll be in the smelly room. Call if something goes wrong, and I’ll come right back.”
He opened the door, reaching down to pull his scarf over his nose, and entered the room where Tully had met his end. He closed the door behind him, and gave the two friends privacy.
Kai didn't melt into Cali's touch so much as he nearly collapsed. He hugged her back twice as tightly, burying his face in her hair. It was an intimate kind of hug, a kind they hadn't ever really shared before. It was everything he needed.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled again, voice muffled. "Kitty, I- I thought-" That he could have done more than he had. Maybe he could have, maybe he could still. He didn't know. Things between the two of them had swung so wildly between the familiar and the strange over the past few days. Long stretches of quiet, ordinary companionship broken up by flashes of horror.
But Cali was the same. Just the same as she'd always been. Unhurt, at least physically.
"I wanted to find you, but I didn't know if it was a good idea. I'm sorry."
He was a little aware of Marshall stepping back to give them some peace, and he appreciated it. Kai owed him an apology too for... everything, really.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled again, voice muffled. "Kitty, I- I thought-" That he could have done more than he had. Maybe he could have, maybe he could still. He didn't know. Things between the two of them had swung so wildly between the familiar and the strange over the past few days. Long stretches of quiet, ordinary companionship broken up by flashes of horror.
But Cali was the same. Just the same as she'd always been. Unhurt, at least physically.
"I wanted to find you, but I didn't know if it was a good idea. I'm sorry."
He was a little aware of Marshall stepping back to give them some peace, and he appreciated it. Kai owed him an apology too for... everything, really.
"Art enriches the community, Steve, no less than a pulsing fire hose, or a fireman beating down a blazing door. So what if we're drawing a nude man? So what if all we ever draw is a nude man, or the same nude man over and over in all sorts of provocative positions? Context, not content! Process, not subject! Don't be so gauche, Steve, it's beneath you."
“It’s okay,” She whispered again as Kai apologised for things that weren’t his fault. Not really. California couldn’t hold the fact he hadn’t searched her out against him. She had no idea what he’d gone through.
“You’ve found me now.”
The island was big enough that could have spent time looking for each other from the beginning and not met until that moment. She had been doing just that.
They had managed to find each other though, and California wanted nothing more than for them to stay clasped within their embrace forever. A stereotypical moment that she would have scoffed at in any other context. A time before they’d been separated and lived under the constant threat of violence and death. Before their encounter removed that ominous omnipresent weight from her chest. But Kai mentioned Kitty and with the mention other emotions stirred within California.
“Are you with her?”
“You’ve found me now.”
The island was big enough that could have spent time looking for each other from the beginning and not met until that moment. She had been doing just that.
They had managed to find each other though, and California wanted nothing more than for them to stay clasped within their embrace forever. A stereotypical moment that she would have scoffed at in any other context. A time before they’d been separated and lived under the constant threat of violence and death. Before their encounter removed that ominous omnipresent weight from her chest. But Kai mentioned Kitty and with the mention other emotions stirred within California.
“Are you with her?”
That was a question that should have been easy to answer immediately. With some kind of enthusiasm, even. An eagerness to take Cali back with him to where he and Kitty had holed up, and then the three of them could just try to make the most of the time that they had together in relative peace.
Kai could picture it in the same way that you pictured a family on a Chistmas card. Something warm and cheery, but still fake. Too much had happened. They'd all be too aware of the empty space left for Ren and the extra space that Ash was taking up as she lay dying.
"Yes," he said after running through all that in his head. "But I- I'm not going to tell you where she is."
He felt a little like he was walking up the stairs in the dark. Reaching the top and thinking that there was still further to go, but only stepping into open air. He held onto Cali for stability.
"She- we found Ashlyn," he mumbled. "She's in really bad shape, and I don't- she's not going to make it." His explanation was stilted, stumbling around the elephant in the room. "I didn't want to be there for it, so I left them alone. They..."
They deserved it. Some kind of closure. Even if Kai didn't really expect anything good to come of leaving them alone together, Ash seemed too far gone to really be a problem. Despite everything, Kitty loved her. Kai couldn't deny her the chance to say goodbye when she had it.
He took a deep breath, as though to steel himself for what he was going to say next. It felt wrong to even imagine saying, but it had to be said. He'd lived in denial long enough, and look where it had gotten them.
"I don't know if you want to see her, but- you shouldn't. So I'm not telling you where we were."
Kai could picture it in the same way that you pictured a family on a Chistmas card. Something warm and cheery, but still fake. Too much had happened. They'd all be too aware of the empty space left for Ren and the extra space that Ash was taking up as she lay dying.
"Yes," he said after running through all that in his head. "But I- I'm not going to tell you where she is."
He felt a little like he was walking up the stairs in the dark. Reaching the top and thinking that there was still further to go, but only stepping into open air. He held onto Cali for stability.
"She- we found Ashlyn," he mumbled. "She's in really bad shape, and I don't- she's not going to make it." His explanation was stilted, stumbling around the elephant in the room. "I didn't want to be there for it, so I left them alone. They..."
They deserved it. Some kind of closure. Even if Kai didn't really expect anything good to come of leaving them alone together, Ash seemed too far gone to really be a problem. Despite everything, Kitty loved her. Kai couldn't deny her the chance to say goodbye when she had it.
He took a deep breath, as though to steel himself for what he was going to say next. It felt wrong to even imagine saying, but it had to be said. He'd lived in denial long enough, and look where it had gotten them.
"I don't know if you want to see her, but- you shouldn't. So I'm not telling you where we were."
"Art enriches the community, Steve, no less than a pulsing fire hose, or a fireman beating down a blazing door. So what if we're drawing a nude man? So what if all we ever draw is a nude man, or the same nude man over and over in all sorts of provocative positions? Context, not content! Process, not subject! Don't be so gauche, Steve, it's beneath you."
California’s expression changed with Kai’s answer. Her eyes, previously soft turned harder, focused, more alert. When he said Ashlyn was with them, her hold on Kai stiffened to match. It was unexpected and unpleasant information to receive, that Ashlyn had found them first and was nearby. But note about her condition didn’t draw any outward reaction from California.
Then Kai gave the kicker and the suddenness of the statement caught California like a punch she didn’t see coming. In a mirror of him she squeezed tighter, holding onto him like a preserver in stormy seas.
“I don’t want to see her.” She replied, her voice not carrying any certainty.
Then she paused and looked up at his face and into his eyes. She focused on his expression in an attempt to see if she could read anything on his face while knowing in her gut that she wouldn’t be able to. It was also a delaying tactic, an attempt to put off her own haymaker for as long as possible. But she knew what she wanted to say to him and she had known ever since Kitty had killed Iliya.
She’d been playing and replaying the exact moment that they were living in her head multiple times over the days they had been on the island. Whenever she had been wandering with no goal, or in the early morning silences when everyone was absorbing the information from the announcements, even when Marshall had tried to ask her about Salem and she had shut him down. She had sketched out the scenario and coloured it with their words and reactions before erasing it and starting again, in a different location, with different words and different reactions in an attempt to cover every possible angle. She’d imagined wonderful successes and devastating failures, she believed she had been honest with herself. She had thought about the possibility of Kai being with Kitty but not as often. But none of it compared to being there, finally standing in front of him, feeling his grief and guilt pouring out. In her imagined meetings, when she allowed herself to dream, Kai was the stronger of them, the one who held and comforted her. It was immature, she knew that. She was the oldest student on the trip.
When she spoke again all of the previous uncertainty that had infected her voice was gone.
“I don’t think you should see her again either. I don’t think you should go back.”
A pause, and a deep breath.
“If you do…if you do it will never stop.”
Then Kai gave the kicker and the suddenness of the statement caught California like a punch she didn’t see coming. In a mirror of him she squeezed tighter, holding onto him like a preserver in stormy seas.
“I don’t want to see her.” She replied, her voice not carrying any certainty.
Then she paused and looked up at his face and into his eyes. She focused on his expression in an attempt to see if she could read anything on his face while knowing in her gut that she wouldn’t be able to. It was also a delaying tactic, an attempt to put off her own haymaker for as long as possible. But she knew what she wanted to say to him and she had known ever since Kitty had killed Iliya.
She’d been playing and replaying the exact moment that they were living in her head multiple times over the days they had been on the island. Whenever she had been wandering with no goal, or in the early morning silences when everyone was absorbing the information from the announcements, even when Marshall had tried to ask her about Salem and she had shut him down. She had sketched out the scenario and coloured it with their words and reactions before erasing it and starting again, in a different location, with different words and different reactions in an attempt to cover every possible angle. She’d imagined wonderful successes and devastating failures, she believed she had been honest with herself. She had thought about the possibility of Kai being with Kitty but not as often. But none of it compared to being there, finally standing in front of him, feeling his grief and guilt pouring out. In her imagined meetings, when she allowed herself to dream, Kai was the stronger of them, the one who held and comforted her. It was immature, she knew that. She was the oldest student on the trip.
When she spoke again all of the previous uncertainty that had infected her voice was gone.
“I don’t think you should see her again either. I don’t think you should go back.”
A pause, and a deep breath.
“If you do…if you do it will never stop.”
Kai could feel Cali's reaction to his words in the way she held him and read it in the look on her face even before she spoke. There was something comforting in that. In not needing so many words.
What she said after, though, chased all comfort away.
Kai closed his eyes. He wanted to argue, but he couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't come out as more denial. Instead, he rested his chin on top of Cali's head and mulled over her words in silence for a few moments.
"I don't think it's going to stop whether I go back or not," he said finally, voice rough. They'd tried to lay low. He'd tried to defuse the situations they got into. He'd gone as far as stepping in front of Kitty's gun, trusting her not to pull the trigger. All it had done was buy a little time.
What she said after, though, chased all comfort away.
Kai closed his eyes. He wanted to argue, but he couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't come out as more denial. Instead, he rested his chin on top of Cali's head and mulled over her words in silence for a few moments.
"I don't think it's going to stop whether I go back or not," he said finally, voice rough. They'd tried to lay low. He'd tried to defuse the situations they got into. He'd gone as far as stepping in front of Kitty's gun, trusting her not to pull the trigger. All it had done was buy a little time.
"Art enriches the community, Steve, no less than a pulsing fire hose, or a fireman beating down a blazing door. So what if we're drawing a nude man? So what if all we ever draw is a nude man, or the same nude man over and over in all sorts of provocative positions? Context, not content! Process, not subject! Don't be so gauche, Steve, it's beneath you."
“Then don’t go back,” Was her reply, it was said without hesitation and without uncertainty. It bordered upon forceful. California didn’t regret saying it. She’d imagined the scenario where Kai refused to listen to her and her heartbeat sped up and pulse quickened as she imagined one of those scenarios coming true. Because despite running through the situation again and again in her head California wasn’t sure if she could convince Kai to abandon Kitty.
Although she had never wavered in her belief that it needed to be done. Kitty would kill with or without his presence. That much was clear. But California’s biggest fear was that Kai would die trying to protect her, and if that happened it would have only served to make Kitty kill more, his death would act as an excuse. Violence begetting violence. Kitty was clearly deep within the cycle and California didn’t want Kai to be dragged into the depths with her.
“We can leave, the three of us, we can go somewhere else, somewhere where you won’t be in danger from Kitty or anyone fighting her.”
Although she had never wavered in her belief that it needed to be done. Kitty would kill with or without his presence. That much was clear. But California’s biggest fear was that Kai would die trying to protect her, and if that happened it would have only served to make Kitty kill more, his death would act as an excuse. Violence begetting violence. Kitty was clearly deep within the cycle and California didn’t want Kai to be dragged into the depths with her.
“We can leave, the three of us, we can go somewhere else, somewhere where you won’t be in danger from Kitty or anyone fighting her.”