[Meena Kumar continued from Wurlitzer Jukebox]
He wasn't laughing for long.
(Or was it she?)
Maybe it was because the air was too thin up here but who was s/he fucking kidding? This wasn't Everest, no matter how much it felt like it to an unfit shut-in like her. And besides, he stopped laughing a while ago.
Once there was a study that said smiling made you feel happier, something about tricking the brain. Meena's parents obviously hadn't read it, or any other studies about smiling. It was a half smile. If you forced it too hard, it wouldn't work. You could become depressed from smiling wide and bright too much when you weren't truly happy. Her parents quite obviously weren't thinking of that when they told him to smile.
(Or her. They didn't know about the him. Good.)
But their advice was lodged in Meena's head. You'd never find him unironically following it, but she did force a chuckle a few times during his climb up the mountain. No smiling though, not even the slight smile, the camera smile.
No, instead, Meena was frowning when she stopped and finally glanced over his own shoulder.
Soul Gem
late day 3 private but we'll be quick pinkie promise
-
BlizzardeyeWonder
- Posts: 1086
- Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 3:41 pm
- Location: the shadow realm
[Ren Vu continued from Wurlitzer Jukebox]
The person walking behind Meena was lost in thought, and very nearly crashed into her.
Another day had passed, and Cedar was dead, ran through with a spear. Ren hadn't found her in time. From a certain point of view, this didn't really matter--for Ren to find all their friends in time was always going to be an impossibility, and there's no point in blaming yourself for inevitabilities. They had spent their entire time on the island, more or less, traipsing around in search of their friends, rolling the dice over and over, and it was hardly their fault that so far, they'd only found Meena. It was hardly their fault that Cedar had died in parts unknown, rather than before Ren's eyes.
Anyways.
(But of course Ren was going to blame themself. Cedar was the one who had pulled Ren into the platoon, who had dragged them to karaoke over their protestations, and how was Ren ever going to repay her now?)
At which point Meena stopped moving and looked over his shoulder, and Ren, startled to a stop, was forced to cut off their train of thought.
"Yeah?"
The person walking behind Meena was lost in thought, and very nearly crashed into her.
Another day had passed, and Cedar was dead, ran through with a spear. Ren hadn't found her in time. From a certain point of view, this didn't really matter--for Ren to find all their friends in time was always going to be an impossibility, and there's no point in blaming yourself for inevitabilities. They had spent their entire time on the island, more or less, traipsing around in search of their friends, rolling the dice over and over, and it was hardly their fault that so far, they'd only found Meena. It was hardly their fault that Cedar had died in parts unknown, rather than before Ren's eyes.
Anyways.
(But of course Ren was going to blame themself. Cedar was the one who had pulled Ren into the platoon, who had dragged them to karaoke over their protestations, and how was Ren ever going to repay her now?)
At which point Meena stopped moving and looked over his shoulder, and Ren, startled to a stop, was forced to cut off their train of thought.
"Yeah?"
-
BlizzardeyeWonder
- Posts: 1086
- Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 3:41 pm
- Location: the shadow realm
Yeah. A little spark that fed an inexplicable inferno. That was hardly the most inexplicable thing here, though.
Meena was on the periphery of all of her (let's settle on that for now) friend groups. "Friend" groups. Because she wasn't really friends with anyone. Sure, there were people she'd known for years and entrusted a couple of her secrets to while they divulged their entire life stories and psychological profiles to her in between ranting about interests, shared or not. That was hardly a friendship though. It just didn't feel like one.
Ren was no exception. Meena knew for a fact she was not the most important person in Ren's life, that'd be their brothers, probably. Next to their brothers, Kitty and Kai and some others. Not Meena, never Meena. It wasn't like she could point to any specific moments where Ren prioritized any of them over her, but that wasn't the point. Their (alleged) care felt distant and ephemeral and theoretical even when they were right in front of her, but she could feel the affection they had for, say, Kitty, like she could feel the sun shining directly in her eyes while she was trying to type at her desk at exactly the wrong time of day. Meena felt - no, she knew - that if it came down to a choice, she would lose.
So why was Ren insisting on sticking around?
She furrowed her brow. When she spun around to face Ren, her boot came down and crunched snow underneath its soles, softening the stomp. Nature itself wanted Meena to seem pathetic, apparently.
"Why..." she choked out and trailed off. Her own vocal chords wanted her to seem pathetic, too. Maybe bashing her head into the side of the mountain would teach them a lesson. Maybe wearing them out with excessive screaming would do the trick.
"Why are you still following me?!" she snapped. "I'm not gonna lead you to Kitty or Kai or whoever you want!"
Meena was on the periphery of all of her (let's settle on that for now) friend groups. "Friend" groups. Because she wasn't really friends with anyone. Sure, there were people she'd known for years and entrusted a couple of her secrets to while they divulged their entire life stories and psychological profiles to her in between ranting about interests, shared or not. That was hardly a friendship though. It just didn't feel like one.
Ren was no exception. Meena knew for a fact she was not the most important person in Ren's life, that'd be their brothers, probably. Next to their brothers, Kitty and Kai and some others. Not Meena, never Meena. It wasn't like she could point to any specific moments where Ren prioritized any of them over her, but that wasn't the point. Their (alleged) care felt distant and ephemeral and theoretical even when they were right in front of her, but she could feel the affection they had for, say, Kitty, like she could feel the sun shining directly in her eyes while she was trying to type at her desk at exactly the wrong time of day. Meena felt - no, she knew - that if it came down to a choice, she would lose.
So why was Ren insisting on sticking around?
She furrowed her brow. When she spun around to face Ren, her boot came down and crunched snow underneath its soles, softening the stomp. Nature itself wanted Meena to seem pathetic, apparently.
"Why..." she choked out and trailed off. Her own vocal chords wanted her to seem pathetic, too. Maybe bashing her head into the side of the mountain would teach them a lesson. Maybe wearing them out with excessive screaming would do the trick.
"Why are you still following me?!" she snapped. "I'm not gonna lead you to Kitty or Kai or whoever you want!"
There it was. In a way--in every way, really--it was a relief. For all that they tried, for all that they had indeed gotten better at performing the role of Being A Good Listener that they had appointed themself to, Ren still wasn't really all that good at coaxing out the things left unsaid that desperately needed to be spoken. So, yes--relief. They could die at any time. Ren didn't want to die wondering why Meena was angry with them, or worse, wondering if Meena had actually been angry with them at all. And if Meena died angry with them...
The answer came slowly, carefully. "Mmm. I have been very focused on finding them the last few days, haven't I...? I'm sorry. I'm just...worried. I'd be just as worried if it were Kitty or Kai or one of my other friends at my side, and you in the unknown. I mean, I wouldn't abandon Kitty to look for Kai, would I? Or Kai to look for Cedar...I mean, if she were still alive, of course. Or Cedar--I mean, Cali, to look for you. Why would I abandon you to look for any of them? Difficult though this might be for you to accept, I care about you."
Ren sighed, and rubbed their forehead. That last part had come out snappier than intended. "You're not keeping me from looking for them, anyways. If I left, I'd just be doing exactly the same thing I'm doing now. Combing the island. Only difference is, I'd also have to find you again."
They paused.
"I don't want you to die, is all."
It would break me if you die, they wanted to add. It was a true statement. But to speak it would be to acknowledge that most, if not all, of Ren's friends were going to die, that it was inevitable that they were going to be broken over and over. It wasn't a question of whether Ren would be broken, but of how many times. This they already knew, had already mulled; but there's a difference between knowing something and making your peace with it, and the latter was something that Ren was not quite ready for. To make their peace with being broken was to be okay with knowing that most of their friends were going to die. No: it was to accept that they would need to be okay with most of their friends dying, if they wanted to remain functional enough to keep at least one of them alive.
Except Cedar's death meant that they had already been broken once; and, all things considered, Ren was holding up pretty well for a broken person. Funny how that worked. If Ren was indeed already okay with losing what they were going to lose (which was a funny way to describe what they had already begun to lose), then they didn't want to be.*
"I mean, I know that you probably will. Mathematics, and such. I'm not naive about that. But I want to, um. You know. I want to try."
______________________
*Still, it's a boon. Count your blessings, dear child.
The answer came slowly, carefully. "Mmm. I have been very focused on finding them the last few days, haven't I...? I'm sorry. I'm just...worried. I'd be just as worried if it were Kitty or Kai or one of my other friends at my side, and you in the unknown. I mean, I wouldn't abandon Kitty to look for Kai, would I? Or Kai to look for Cedar...I mean, if she were still alive, of course. Or Cedar--I mean, Cali, to look for you. Why would I abandon you to look for any of them? Difficult though this might be for you to accept, I care about you."
Ren sighed, and rubbed their forehead. That last part had come out snappier than intended. "You're not keeping me from looking for them, anyways. If I left, I'd just be doing exactly the same thing I'm doing now. Combing the island. Only difference is, I'd also have to find you again."
They paused.
"I don't want you to die, is all."
It would break me if you die, they wanted to add. It was a true statement. But to speak it would be to acknowledge that most, if not all, of Ren's friends were going to die, that it was inevitable that they were going to be broken over and over. It wasn't a question of whether Ren would be broken, but of how many times. This they already knew, had already mulled; but there's a difference between knowing something and making your peace with it, and the latter was something that Ren was not quite ready for. To make their peace with being broken was to be okay with knowing that most of their friends were going to die. No: it was to accept that they would need to be okay with most of their friends dying, if they wanted to remain functional enough to keep at least one of them alive.
Except Cedar's death meant that they had already been broken once; and, all things considered, Ren was holding up pretty well for a broken person. Funny how that worked. If Ren was indeed already okay with losing what they were going to lose (which was a funny way to describe what they had already begun to lose), then they didn't want to be.*
"I mean, I know that you probably will. Mathematics, and such. I'm not naive about that. But I want to, um. You know. I want to try."
______________________
*Still, it's a boon. Count your blessings, dear child.
-
BlizzardeyeWonder
- Posts: 1086
- Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 3:41 pm
- Location: the shadow realm
Meena stared. He (changed his mind) stared in Ren's general direction, but not at them. It was like he was staring through an outline. If Ren had sounded a bit too monotone, he could have easily dismissed their words as hollow. If they were a little too emotional, he could just as easily dismiss them as over-acting. Hollow. It was all so fucking hollow, all the time - what would anything real even look like? Sound like? He didn't look for anything of substance as Ren spoke because he knew he wouldn't find anything. Their friendship was based on memes and shallow praises, anyway.
"Don't you?" The words felt like they popped on his lips.
And here came the most frustrating part. At the start, that junk food sort of friendship was sweet and fatty, everything you could want in comfort food. But the more you ate it, the more disgusting it became, but never enough so that Meena would stop craving that first-bite feeling. Maybe people were being dramatic when they said people were addicted to fast food, but maybe Meena specifically was, for a certain definition of fast food.
So yes, he hated Ren. Also yes, he liked Ren and kind of missed doubling over in laughter in his chair when they made one really funny comment about a draft he sent them-
So no, he didn't sever the tie. Fuck that. Fuck this. He turned on his heel and did something very unwise, this high up on the icy mountains. He started running.
[Meena Kumar continued in We Will Find You- Acting on your best behavior, turn your back on Mother Nature]
"Don't you?" The words felt like they popped on his lips.
And here came the most frustrating part. At the start, that junk food sort of friendship was sweet and fatty, everything you could want in comfort food. But the more you ate it, the more disgusting it became, but never enough so that Meena would stop craving that first-bite feeling. Maybe people were being dramatic when they said people were addicted to fast food, but maybe Meena specifically was, for a certain definition of fast food.
So yes, he hated Ren. Also yes, he liked Ren and kind of missed doubling over in laughter in his chair when they made one really funny comment about a draft he sent them-
So no, he didn't sever the tie. Fuck that. Fuck this. He turned on his heel and did something very unwise, this high up on the icy mountains. He started running.
[Meena Kumar continued in We Will Find You- Acting on your best behavior, turn your back on Mother Nature]
"I--"
But Meena was already off, scrambling over the rocks and snow at a speed that was, frankly, reckless. Of course it was. But what even was the point of admonishing someone with a death wish?
Instead, Ren wanted to shout something like,I wasn't asking you to try and test me, but that, too, would probably just encourage Meena.
They had made a mistake, they were sure of it. Reminding Meena that he wanted to die, perhaps. Or maybe they really had convinced him that they cared about him, so that, in Meena's eyes, they became a much bigger obstacle to dying. There were any number of things that could have gone wrong.
But then what the hell was Ren supposed to say?
They wanted to slump over, defeated. Of course, they weren't allowed to do that.
Ren shook their head, took a deep breath, and set off--as quickly and carefully as they could--after Meena.
[Ren continued in We Will Find You- Acting on your best behavior, turn your back on Mother Nature]
But Meena was already off, scrambling over the rocks and snow at a speed that was, frankly, reckless. Of course it was. But what even was the point of admonishing someone with a death wish?
Instead, Ren wanted to shout something like,I wasn't asking you to try and test me, but that, too, would probably just encourage Meena.
They had made a mistake, they were sure of it. Reminding Meena that he wanted to die, perhaps. Or maybe they really had convinced him that they cared about him, so that, in Meena's eyes, they became a much bigger obstacle to dying. There were any number of things that could have gone wrong.
But then what the hell was Ren supposed to say?
They wanted to slump over, defeated. Of course, they weren't allowed to do that.
Ren shook their head, took a deep breath, and set off--as quickly and carefully as they could--after Meena.
[Ren continued in We Will Find You- Acting on your best behavior, turn your back on Mother Nature]