Michael Kidney

[gabrielthetrashcat]

Name: Michael Kidney
Gender: male
Age: 18
Grade: Senior. 12th grade
School: Southwest Red Rock High School
Hobbies and Interests: Wrestling, cooking, Music, Stop motion animation

Appearance: a 5'11 tall 170-pound male with an average face structure. Crooked slightly hooked nose, brown eyes, short black hair often not taken care of, curly, wears black shirts with "WWF" or "WCW" branding. Frequently has a plain white shirt below it, and often wears shorts below His pants as a layer above underwear. Usually wears black sneakers.

On the day of the abduction he was wearing an ECW Sandman "content advisory" T-shirt, loose jean pants with a black leather belt, and black sneakers, also had a leather jacket over his shirt

Biography: Only legitimate son of William Kidney. Known in the local Las Vegas wrestling scene as Dread, who was born in 1973 and debuted in a local wrestling promotion at just 16 years old in 1989, since then his father went on to win the Las Vegas championship, a mid card title in a October 1993 house show before he moved on to the slightly bigger N.C.W. (Nevada championship Wrestling) and winning both the tag belts with a wrestler known as "2Kool4U" and winning the inter continental title in the October 1994 pay per view "Las Vegas vs the world" in a match against Simon Lamont. William Kidney then got signed to the then WCW on December 1996. Participating in a dark match at the start of Halloween havoc 1996.

Michael Kidney was born on October 30th 2006. His mother. Anna Kidney died during childbirth. Leading William to rise his son on his own, Retiring for wrestling for seven years and working as a store manager in a las vegas best buy, Michael began to go to school at the age of 3, Completing kindergarten before he began to have home school from age six to fourteen while his father was working on smaller promotions, sometimes working in northern mexico in CMLL house shows as a jobber or a tag team partner to a enhancement talent wrestler called Gringo caliente. Traveling around the southern usa and northen mexico as a relatively unkown indie wrestler before retiring at age 50 due to a hearth condition, settling down and working as a editor for a indie wrestling magazine.

Michael began to train in professional wrestling thanks to his father who told him basic wrestling skills, along with having plenty of footage of his dad's early years, as a young boy he always found wrestling to be amazing and the business made him more enthralled the more he grew up, at the age of 14 he began to study on Southwest Red Rock High School. Keeping a class average of A and beginning to round up young men and woman his age to sign up for his own wrestling promotion known as "Total Xplosive Wrestling" (T.X.W). A backyard wrestling promotion run in his backyard with the approval of his father, the promotion is currently on a indefinite hiatus after last week the world champion 'Steve' changed states.

Michael Learned to cook at a very young age thanks to YouTube tutorials and the fact his father tried to teach him to be as independent as possible in case he wouldn't be home on time, he started off making himself sandwiches before learning to use the stove unsupervised at 9 years old. He learned to use a oven by himself at 10 years old. He partly financed his backyard ring by selling popcorn to other students around his school.

His interest in camera work started when he was a child and got his first phone. He filmed small short movies with his toys and action figures. That interest carried over to his teenage years where he searched the internet for camera techniques to use to portray force and weight on a otherwise dull impact, researching rules of filmography to use to tie small storylines togueter.

During a match for his YouTube channel he was supposed to leap off a ladder into a table. But he missed and landed in a nearby boulder. Scrapping off superficial skin layers, but a few sharp edges managed to cut him further deep, and some pieces of the rock accidentally incrusted themselves into his knee, he finished the match and after ending the match took them out with some tweezers, the match ended up unpublished and is unknown if a video is avaliable

Advantages: thanks to his training since he reached twelve years old he has High stamina, above average strength and basic wrestling skills
Disadvantages: Due to a failed landing into a boulder last week he has a Wounded left knee with a currently bandaged deep wound, potentially risking an infection, Perfectionist to a fault, dumping away entire months worth of work if a single thing bothers him enough.

[Deamon]

Hi gabrielthetrashcat! Welcome to Survival of the Fittest, it good to see you joining us for V9! Unfortunately Michael isn’t ready to go into the game yet as we have some issues we need to address first. So let’s get into it.

I’m going to start by addressing the major issue with this profile. At present it is extremely wrestling focused, and within that focus, it is more focused on Michael’s dad than Michael himself. As the profile is supposed to be about Michael this isn’t ideal. We don’t really have anything about Michael’s life as he grew up or how he discovered hobbies such as music. The profile as it is will need to be rewritten to focus on Michael and his life, rather than his dad’s wrestling career. Which I know probably isn’t what you want to hear especially when combined with what I’ve requested below but I think it will work out better for Michael as a character in the long term.

In regards to William, he’s not going to be able to be a full-time roster member of the WWE, especially not as a signing significant enough that it started the attitude era. He can have done some extra work or taken part in some squash matches as a local talent, or had a brief run as a dark match guy but a full-time run of over a decade won’t be possible as it puts Michael’s father at too high a level of notoriety and fame.

Moving on to some more standard edits:

Male should be capitalised.

Senior or 12th Grade, doesn’t need to be both.

Since you have filming down already you don’t need to include camerawork as this would come under filming.

On the appearance we a pair of issues, a lack of details and random capitalisation. For the random capitalisation you’ll need to reread the profile and keep an eye for them.

Your capitalisation in general is messy throughout the profile, I’d suggest that you reread everything closely to get these as we have instances where things such as Williams gimmick name or Silver Springs aren’t capitalised but then a word like wounded has a capital letter in the middle of a sentence.

The lack of detail is a bit more work as you need to expand on what we have. The best way to see what you’re required to do is to look at profiles that have already been approved or from V8 to see what you’re missing, but we need more details on his face, ears, eyes, cheeks etc. you’re creating a picture of what this character looks like for everyone else.

Another thing here is that everything is a sentence fragment. All of the profile should be written in full sentences, we don’t want to be seeing things such as “usually wears black shoes”.

The appearance as written is also a bit strange as it sounds like Michael is wearing trousers above shorts above underwear, which is a lot of layers for daily wear in Las Vegas and I think would get uncomfortable quick.

Michael began to train in professional wrestling thanks to his father who told him basic wrestling skills, along with having plenty of footage of his dad's early years, as a young boy he always found wrestling to be amazing and the business made him more enthralled the more he grew up, at the age of 14 he began to study on Southwest Red Rock High School.

This is all one sentence and it’s massive. It also ends with him beginning to attend Red Rock which is unrelated to the rest and can be moved into its own sentence.

It makes sense for Michael to be interested in wrestling but we’re not actually given a reason for what he enjoys about it, we’re told he finds it amazing but I’d like to know why he thinks that. Also wrestling is very broad in terms of styles and performers, what are some of his favourite promotions and who are some of his favourite wrestlers? Why does he prefer them?

(Not affiliated with Texas Xtreme wrestling or Thomas Xavier wrestling school).

This can be removed as it’s unnecessary information.

Michael’s cooking and filming interests have the same problem as his wrestling one, in that we lack detail as to why he likes them and what he enjoys about them, so you’ll need to expand all of this. With regards to his cooking hobby at the moment he doesn’t seem to be doing anything that would constitute it being a hobby, he’s just making himself food to live.

As previously mentioned music is listed as a hobby but doesn’t appear in the profile at all so will need to have a paragraph added in to the biography.

For some ideas of what other details should be included in Michael’s profile:
What is he like in terms of personality?
Does he have friends at Red Rock and what is he like around them?
What were his elementary and middle school years like?
What does he plan to do once he graduates from Red Rock?
What’s his relationship with his father like?

For all advantages and disadvantages anything that is put down in this section also needs to appear in the biography in some form. So when you say he’s impulsive and stubborn we’d need to have this talked about within the profile, probably when we talk about Michael’s personality, as currently there’s no indication of him being impulsive and stubborn. This is the same for the loophole’s disadvantage although I also don’t know what you mean with that one so it will need to be rewritten to make more sense.

And that is everything on this pass, I know it looks like a lot but you seem eager so I’m sure you’ll be able to work through them. Post back here once you’ve made the edits and I’ll take another look!

[gabrielthetrashcat]

Hi gabrielthetrashcat! Welcome to Survival of the Fittest, it good to see you joining us for V9! Unfortunately Michael isn’t ready to go into the game yet as we have some issues we need to address first. So let’s get into it.

I’m going to start by addressing the major issue with this profile. At present it is extremely wrestling focused, and within that focus, it is more focused on Michael’s dad than Michael himself. As the profile is supposed to be about Michael this isn’t ideal. We don’t really have anything about Michael’s life as he grew up or how he discovered hobbies such as music. The profile as it is will need to be rewritten to focus on Michael and his life, rather than his dad’s wrestling career. Which I know probably isn’t what you want to hear especially when combined with what I’ve requested below but I think it will work out better for Michael as a character in the long term.

In regards to William, he’s not going to be able to be a full-time roster member of the WWE, especially not as a signing significant enough that it started the attitude era. He can have done some extra work or taken part in some squash matches as a local talent, or had a brief run as a dark match guy but a full-time run of over a decade won’t be possible as it puts Michael’s father at too high a level of notoriety and fame.

Moving on to some more standard edits:

Make should be capitalised.

Senior or 12th Grade, doesn’t need to be both.

Since you have filming down already you don’t need to include camerawork as this would come under filming.

On the appearance we a pair of issues, a lack of details and random capitalisation. For the random capitalisation you’ll need to reread the profile and keep an eye for them.

Your capitalisation in general is messy throughout the profile, I’d suggest that you reread everything closely to get these as we have instances where things such as Williams gimmick name or Silver Springs aren’t capitalised but then a word like wounded has a capital letter in the middle of a sentence.

The lack of detail is a bit more work as you need to expand on what we have. The best way to see what you’re required to do is to look at profiles that have already been approved or from V8 to see what you’re missing, but we need more details on his face, ears, eyes, cheeks etc. you’re creating a picture of what this character looks like for everyone else.

Another thing here is that everything is a sentence fragment. All of the profile should be written in full sentences, we don’t want to be seeing things such as “usually wears black shoes”.

The appearance as written is also a bit strange as it sounds like Michael is wearing trousers above shorts above underwear, which is a lot of layers for daily wear in Las Vegas and I think would get uncomfortable quick.

Michael began to train in professional wrestling thanks to his father who told him basic wrestling skills, along with having plenty of footage of his dad's early years, as a young boy he always found wrestling to be amazing and the business made him more enthralled the more he grew up, at the age of 14 he began to study on Southwest Red Rock High School.

This is all one sentence and it’s massive. It also ends with him beginning to attend Red Rock which is unrelated to the rest and can be moved into its own sentence.

It makes sense for Michael to be interested in wrestling but we’re not actually given a reason for what he enjoys about it, we’re told he finds it amazing but I’d like to know why he thinks that. Also wrestling is very broad in terms of styles and performers, what are some of his favourite promotions and who are some of his favourite wrestlers? Why does he prefer them?

(Not affiliated with Texas Xtreme wrestling or Thomas Xavier wrestling school).

This can be removed as it’s unnecessary information.

Michael’s cooking and filming interests have the same problem as his wrestling one, in that we lack detail as to why he likes them and what he enjoys about them, so you’ll need to expand all of this. With regards to his cooking hobby at the moment he doesn’t seem to be doing anything that would constitute it being a hobby, he’s just making himself food to live.

As previously mentioned music is listed as a hobby but doesn’t appear in the profile at all so will need to have a paragraph added in to the biography.

For some ideas of what other details should be included in Michael’s profile:
What is he like in terms of personality?
Does he have friends at Red Rock and what is he like around them?
What were his elementary and middle school years like?
What does he plan to do once he graduates from Red Rock?
What’s his relationship with his father like?

For all advantages and disadvantages anything that is put down in this section also needs to appear in the biography in some form. So when you say he’s impulsive and stubborn we’d need to have this talked about within the profile, probably when we talk about Michael’s personality, as currently there’s no indication of him being impulsive and stubborn. This is the same for the loophole’s disadvantage although I also don’t know what you mean with that one so it will need to be rewritten to make more sense.

And that is everything on this pass, I know it looks like a lot but you seem eager so I’m sure you’ll be able to work through them. Post back here once you’ve made the edits and I’ll take another look!

i made the changes!, hope he makes it in

[Deamon]

Alright Michael is looking better but we still have some work to do before he’s going to be ready for the game. Generally it’s a lack of detail about what he’s like as a person and why he enjoys the things he does that’s holding him back. But we’ll address that when we hit those points.

But first, Male still needs to be capitalised in gender.

In grade you need to put either senior or 12th grade, not both.

For the appearance I can see that you’ve put an abduction outfit down now, which is a good start, but we still have the other problems of all the sentences being fragments and a lack of detail. What’s Michael’s face shape? What shape are his eyes and lips etc? What race is Michael as well.

For the fragments issue you just need to convert what you have into full sentences. So the first couple of sentences would look like this:
“Michael is 5’11” tall and weighs 170 lbs. He has an average facial structure although his nose is noticeably crooked and slightly hooked at the end.”

Las Vegas championship, a mid card title

Championship should be capitalised and midcard is one word

Michael Kidney was born on October 30th 2006. His mother. Anna Kidney died during childbirth. Leading William to rise his son on his own,

Raise not rise. Also in this sentence you can put a comma after 2006, mother and childbirth. Then a full stop after own. As this is all one linked event we’re talking about.

Retiring for wrestling for seven years and working as a store manager in a las vegas best buy,

Las Vegas and Best Buy should all be capitalised as they’re names.

Michael began to go to school at the age of 3, Completing kindergarten before he began to have home school from age six to fourteen while his father was working on smaller promotions,

Completing doesn’t need a capital letter as it’s following on from a comma, unless the word following the comma is a name it doesn’t need to be capitalised. It is also working for rather than working on.

called Gringo caliente.

Again this is a name so Caliente should be capitalised.

Traveling around the southern usa and northen mexico as a relatively unkown indie wrestler

Southern USA and Northern Mexico.

retiring at age 50 due to a hearth condition

I think you typo’d here as you’ve got hearth condition instead of heart condition which is what it should be.

Michael began to train in professional wrestling thanks to his father who told him basic wrestling skills, along with having plenty of footage of his dad's early years, as a young boy he always found wrestling to be amazing and the business made him more enthralled the more he grew up, at the age of 14 he began to study on Southwest Red Rock High School.

I pointed this out in the last round but it looks like you missed it. This sentence can have the part about studying at Red Rock moved into its own sentence as it doesn’t fit the context of the rest of the sentence.

Again we need information about why Michael likes wrestling and further details about what styles he likes, what wrestlers are his favourites etc.

The part about the backyard wrestling promotion is fine, but the part about last week doesn’t need to be there, and I’m not sure why you’ve put Steve in quotations as presumably that’s his real name and isn’t dubious information, so that can be removed.

Michael Learned to cook at a very young age thanks to YouTube

Learned doesn’t need to be capitalised.

The cooking hobby still has the same problems from the first round, in that we’re not told why Michael enjoys cooking or how he takes part in the hobby now. Some example details you can include are things like what cuisines he likes, what dishes he likes to cook, and details like if he prefers learning new dishes and perfecting ones he already knows, details such as that can really add a lot to a character and tell us more about their personality.

This is the same issue the new stop motion animation hobby has, we’re not given enough detail about how he practices or takes part in the hobby or what he likes about it. So along with the extra details about his cooking hobby we need more details about this too.

Music is in the hobbies and interests list but it isn’t present in the profile, so it will need to be added with a full paragraph explaining what got Michael into music, what he likes about it, favourite genres and bands etc. Alternatively, it can be removed from the hobbies and interests list if you don’t have anything specific for it but I’ll leave that decision up to you.

But he missed and landed in a nearby boulder. Scrapping off superficial skin layers, but a few sharp edges managed to cut him further deep, and some pieces of the rock accidentally incrusted themselves into his knee,

It would be on a boulder, also is this in his backyard? In which case why is there just a boulder lying around? “Cut him further deep” doesn’t actually make sense grammatically, you’d want to say some like “but a few sharp edges cut deeper into his leg”. And instead of incrusted you can just say stuck into his knee.

In regards to it being unknown if the video is available, while the general public would not know, the profile itself knows, so if there’s a video of it somewhere it should be noted down here. It can be as simple as saying the match was never uploaded but a video exists on Michael’s hard drive or he can have deleted it, whatever you want as long as some explanation exists.

We also need some of these details added to the profile to expand on Michael as a character, as we still have a very limited idea of him as a person, currently everything in his life revolves around wrestling, which is fine, people can have one passion they pursue above all others but even with those people there are other aspects to them as people, and we want fully formed people for SOTF characters. So any of the below would be great to see covered in the profile, although really I’d advise that you think about and add all of these in.

What is Michael like in terms of personality?
Does he have friends at Red Rock and what is he like around them?
What were his elementary and middle school years like?
What does he plan to do once he graduates from Red Rock?
What’s his relationship with his father like?

I can see that you changed the advantages and disadvantages a little bit from last time but we still have the same problem of the perfectionist disadvantage not appearing at all in the profile. Wounded also does not need to be capitalised.

That’s everything I caught on this go through but I am going to advise you to take your time when you going through these edits as a bunch of these were things from the previous round that you missed for whatever reason. So I’d suggest taking the list and copying it into notepad or a Google doc or something along those lines and removing each request out once you’ve made it as that will allow you to see what you still have to do. It will also save you time in the long run as you won’t have to go over the same things again.

But yeah post back here once you’re done and I’ll take another look at Michael, although I may be a bit slower to respond due to the holiday season.