Rozlyn Dolor

[StarletDevil]

Name: Rozlyn "Roz" Dolor
Gender: Female
Age: 19
Grade: Senior
School: Southwest Red Rock High School
Hobbies and Interests: Rock Music, Drumming, Wrestling

Appearance: Rozlyn stands at 5'2 and weighs 110 lbs. She is a Latino-American woman with smooth light brown skin with light scarring on her fingers and no blemishes otherwise. She has a narrow and pointed chin with a diamond-shaped face, with flat ears, a button nose, and dark brown eyes usually covered by round bifocal prescription glasses with very thick lenses. She tends to be seen with a bored or aggravated expression. She has short, messy, glossy black hair and a petite yet moderately toned figure.

While she's knowledgeable about fashion, she tends to put very little effort into her day-to-day outfits, typically wearing some combination of hoodie and sweatpants, along with a pair of boots. While her outfit style is composed simply, elements of it are uniquely signature. Her hoodies often possess sarcastic or obscene messages, sexually charged imagery such as pin-up women or innuendo, or characters from media with goth aesthetics. Due to encountering trouble with faculty regarding her wardrobe, her school outfits tend to use the more family-friendly apparel. Her boots are knee-high and jet black with a short heel and toes with small decorative spikes, her attachment to this pair of boots is extreme and requests for them to be removed are often met with remarkably high resistance.

Biography: Born in the Texas town of College Station, Rozlyn was raised by her caucasian mother Christine and Latino father Miguel in the comfort of the relatively small town community. Her family was able to afford to live somewhat comfortably, but she often found her comfort disrupted growing up. The sports-heavy focus of the town both annoyed and entranced her from infancy to adolescence, and an environment with such an emphasis on physical activity over all else has shaped her into the current day. Her mother works at one of the town’s churches as a support group worker, and puts her time and energy at home into crafting handmade trinkets which are on occasion sold locally. Rozlyn’s father is an English teacher as well as a football coach, despite the traditional norm of the town, her father is equally qualified for both positions, and is regarded positively by the students and players for his enthusiasm and dedication for those he teaches and coaches. Rozlyn lived here for the first fourteen years of her life before moving to Las Vegas.

As a child Rozlyn was an avid reader and an enthusiastic sports player, she often engaged in simple sports like soccer and baseball, and read books well above the average reading level of her peers. She was a remarkably physically adept and intelligent child throughout elementary school, though her intelligence, small stature, and simple attire often made her a target of ridicule for classmates, usually athletic boys or banded together girls, the girls often under the leadership of a girl named Veronica Savage. While she never retaliated during this stage of her life, the impact was noticeable in her gradual shift to becoming a more reserved individual, staying at an increasing distance away from other students. She graduated elementary hoping for a better experience in middle school, and spent her summer getting invested in new hobbies, such as football and playing the drums.

Middle school life possessed many of the same problems as elementary, as many of the same people were in attendance. Despite Rozlyn's hesitance, she attempted to socialize and participate, joining the girls wrestling team and the school band as a drummer. She proved moderately successful in her attempts to cultivate a social life, making a handful of close friends in sports and band. She continued to do her best to avoid certain groups that had familiar faces, having to make exceptions for both her team and band, which both had members who she had previously negative experience with. Her small friend group included the likes of three girls named Carmen Torres, Yvonne Larson, and Olivia Winstone, each remained friends with Rozlyn during her middle school years. Though none of them were let in very close, the idea of being a close friend was not reciprocated by her and she was prone to deflecting any desires for her to open up socially with them.

Rozlyn's academic performance throughout middle school was at an all time high, her reservedness allowed her to put focus into schoolwork as very little of it was ever dedicated to other people. She consistently received high grades and above average performance reviews, earning her much praise from her family and teachers. While her focus was put towards her studies, her passion was put towards her extracurricular activities, she was an enthusiastic member of the girls wrestling team, and an immensely passionate band drummer. Drumming had, over the course of her first year of middle school, become her primary hobby, often practicing in her house's garage, typically with the door open, letting the sound escape into the neighborhood much to many citizen's dismay. She often used and continues to use drumming as an outlet for aggression, finding satisfaction in the thrashing movements and loud sounds, and frequently dissociating from the world around her while performing, typically becoming more ornery when her concentration is interrupted.

Rozlyn's physical education scores were among her highest, and this was on great display in her frequent victories in class sports. Most students found it to be a sign of good fortune for Rozlyn to be selected to be on their team, and were often excited and supportive towards her, she found solace in the temporary affection but did not enjoy the overall attention she was receiving. There were a handful of instances where her more vindictive behavior would seep into her performance and cause injury, incidents such as hitting a line drive during baseball that struck the male pitcher in the center of his stomach, a strong kick during soccer launching the ball on a trajectory that struck a student in the back, and dozens of headshots over the course of the several dodgeball games played throughout the year. She often faced minimal consequences for these incidents, as they were generally passable for accidents, however her current proclamation is that they were all entirely deliberate.

By the end of Rozlyn's first year of middle school she was an established presence known throughout her grade, much to her displeasure. She'd spent her summer improving her drum skills and engaging in small local unofficial sport groups, students playing together simply for fun. Through these activities she'd met Dana Fairbanks, a girl who'd shown interest in Rozlyn at a distance, but never engaged. Rozlyn found herself often interacting with Dana due to Dana being active in the outside student community, and stopping by whenever Rozlyn was doing disruptive drum practice. While the pair interacted and were close throughout the first half of the summer, Dana had appeared to feel as though their relationship was further along than Rozlyn believed it was. On August 2nd, the pair found themselves alone sitting on the sidewalk, and during a pause in their conversation, Dana kissed Rozlyn.

Rozlyn had not begun exploration of her sexual orientation at the time, but the suburban town's multitude of churches and focus on sports and masculinity never imprinted a queer-friendly image, it is only due to her father's agnosticism that she never attended church as her mother was a very devout Christian, and Rozlyn's growing antisocial tendencies had made her doubt her abilities to care for someone romantically. Her reaction to Dana's advance was born out of confusion and fear, but to Dana the sudden flinching and focused stare looked like disgust and betrayal. No further words were spoken between them that day besides Dana's apology before fleeing, leaving Rozlyn to process the event in the first state of panic she had felt herself be in for several years. She spent the rest of the month of August thinking about that moment, and on the last day of the month decided to pay a visit to Dana to apologize, but when she was greeted at the door she found that Dana had already found another girl and moved on, so Rozlyn simply left, unable to apologize.

Rozyln's performance in her second year of middle school began to show a decline, stress over her social status and sexuality beginning to take its toll on her. Accentuating this stress was rumors of her kiss with Dana being spread around by Veronica, leading to targeted homophobia from her classmates that weighed on her mind even more and aggravated her an even greater amount. This rising aggression was released in a handful of outbursts, the first of which was when a male student attempted to flirt with her by informing her that he was capable of fixing her, she received an in-school suspension for assaulting another student with a locker door, and would receive another for a similar incident by the end of the year. Her mother was disgusted by these actions while her father was far more worried and tried to talk to Rozlyn about her behavior, she was unwilling to talk about it, despite her wanting to. Her student record featured blemishes now but she was unhindered by these incidents, and was reasonably confident in her sexual identity by the end of the year due to conducting small scale thought experiments with a notebook while sitting in her bed at night, though she was unsure of how she was going to pursue those interests if she were to at all.

Tension between Rozlyn's parents had begun growing greater before and during the summer after her second year, and her extended presence at home made her far more aware of it. Her father continued to approach her with a positive outlook, and always offered to help if he could, while her mother displayed a degree of disgust towards both Rozlyn and her father, rarely being willing to hold a conversation but often being willing to engage in an argument. The uncomfortable atmosphere this created led to Rozlyn spending her summer time outside for longer periods of time and at further distances from her house, sometimes spending the night at one of her friends' homes after informing her father. Long nights spent listening to arguments, sleeping in unfamiliar locations, and her own thoughts resulted in minor insomnia that's continued to persist to the current day. During a particularly restless night that August, neither she nor her father had gotten to sleep, and her midnight trip for a snack resulted in her discovering her father investigating job postings out of state, including one located in Las Vegas.

Rozlyn's final year of middle school was initiated with a series of unfortunate events. Her friends Carmen and Yvonne had both moved out of state, Veronica had joined the wrestling team, and her heavy and intense drumming had resulted in her drumsticks both snapping in half after years of both proper and improper usage. This mixture of events left her with high anxiety going into the start of this last year, and this attitude appeared to be almost tangible to others, she found people to be engaging with her significantly less, including Olivia. The decreased interaction was both relaxing and terrifying, while people were no longer bothering her as much, nor were they reaching out to her, leaving her feeling more alone than she had ever felt before.

Rozlyn continued to succeed academically but her motivation was steadily declining, most of her work was bare bones and merely acceptable rather than excellent, and she eventually dropped out of the band, though she was not planning to give up drumming. Her performance in wrestling steadily maintained its position at the top of the group, outmatching all of the other girls despite her small stature and lower weight. She ended up partnered with Veronica several times and the two often exchanged pointed words and typical shallow insults while they were grappling around each other. Rozlyn felt almost a reluctant kinship with Veronica due to these aggressive conversations, they were the most any of the other students were talking to her at the time, it was her only fulfilling piece of social interaction.

Rozlyn's wrestling team began doing public matches in the latter half of the school year, open to both school and parent viewing. Rozlyn's father was always able to attend due to his status as a teacher at the school, but her mother chose not to, which surprised neither Rozlyn nor her father. The month of May contained the last public match, and one of the dueling pairs was Rozlyn and Veronica, who had at this point become what Rozlyn considered to be friends. They'd held many conversations outside of wrestling by now, and were occasionally seen outside of school together. Veronica had shown genuine interest in Rozlyn's life, though Rozlyn was very hesitant and withdrawn with what information she'd told Veronica. The girl who'd formerly been her biggest bully was now a source of comfort during the time she felt the weakest.

Around a month before Rozlyn and Veronica's match, Veronica had walked past Mr. Dolor’s classroom while she was going to exit the school. He’d been on the phone with a lawyer discussing he and his wife’s desire to divorce. This piqued Veronica’s interest and she stopped to listen to the conversation, intending to listen as much as possible, but she was stopped by a teacher and sent away. The divorce was something that Rozlyn’s father had not discussed with Rozlyn, so when Veronica mentioned it later during their wrestling match, it blindsided Rozlyn. This revelation confused and aggravated Rozlyn, causing her to take out all of her aggression on Veronica at once by slamming Veronica's face onto the bare floor, resulting in Veronica having a broken nose. The sudden shock Rozlyn felt caused her to flee, feeling more afraid than angry as a result of her inflicting a far more serious injury to somebody than she had done to anyone before. The match was cut short and medical staff and crew were brought to help Veronica, but the only support Rozlyn received was from her father who, at her request, confirmed the impending divorce. Rozlyn lost most of the last month of middle school due to the suspension she received. She was not excused from the standardized tests but still passed them, scoring an average grade on each of them.

The summer would be the last Rozlyn would spend in Texas. Her father was approved for a similar position to his current one but elsewhere, a middle school in Las Vegas, and her parents had officiated their divorce by the end of July. Her mother ceded custody of Rozlyn to Rozlyn’s father in a desire to detach herself from being known as a mother with a delinquent child. Rozlyn and her father would drive out from Texas to Nevada over the course of a week, taking stops in a few states to do some sightseeing and bonding, as her father was hoping that it would ease the transition. During a stop in Arizona they visited a store that was full of punk aesthetic attire. Rozlyn was enamoured with the items on display, and they ended up buying quite a few items, including her now signature spiked leather boots and a selection of hoodies, and a vinyl record of her favorite album, Paramore’s “Riot!”.

The album was something her father had introduced her to, as her music taste is almost entirely inherited from him. He passed on his enjoyment of more classic rock music down to her, which she then took and moved forwards with. She enjoys mostly 2000’s to 2010’s rock music from bands such as Shinedown, Halestorm, Volbeat, Disturbed, Green Day, and Paramore, the last of which is her favorite band. Due to the chaotic and fast nature of most of the drum beats of the music she listens to, she’s managed to become fairly skilled at playing along by ear rather than reading any sort of notation, which has allowed her to pick out subtler sounds in everyday life, like footsteps.

Settling into Las Vegas was strange for Rozlyn, having lived in the same small town for the majority of her life. But her new house and new neighborhood felt like her old one, which created some sense of comfort in her mind. Rozlyn and her father had moved into the house of his own parents, who were both quite able-bodied despite their age, but both were in retirement and had been for over a decade. Her father was insistent on paying some form of rent to them, but they were doubly insistent that having additional aid in their late years was worth far more than rent. Due to the timing of her arrival, her father's job preparations, and the move-in settling, she was unable to see herself able to attend Red Rock that school year, so she spent a year adjusting to the new surroundings and making attempts to acquaint herself with some of her soon to be peers.

Rozlyn's open garage drum performances returned, establishing her as a frequent neighborhood disruption, enough of one to illicit a Homeowner’s Association request that she at minimum do these performances at 5pm rather than 8pm, and the HOA notice regarding her disruptive nature is now proudly hung up on the garage wall behind her drum kit. Outside of being regarded as a disruptive nuisance, her performances are also often a place of interest for some people closer to her own age due to her music taste and high skill performance, and she sometimes ends up holding conversations between lyrics if someone was bold enough to start talking to her.

High school saw Rozlyn return to her familiar scenes, joining wrestling and the school band despite her anxieties about both, and being a successful member of both. She's maintained her antisocial and aggressive demeanor to the current day, but tries to restrain herself from being physically aggressive towards other people, working towards using her preferred outlets for aggression relief instead of violence. She has yet to cause a violent incident at school thanks to better self-imposed emotional management, and a small circle of friends she's made during her attendance. She's not particularly happy but she's in a situation she prefers greatly in comparison to her childhood, and that's enough for her, as it is an improvement and she hopes to continue improving it.

Rozlyn has no set plans for the future, but is curious about the potential of joining a band, even if it's not necessarily guaranteed to be a successful endeavour. Her primary focus is simply to make it through her last year of high school and figure it out from there.

Advantages: Rozlyn is a skilled close quarters combatant from her lifetime of sports and wrestling, giving her the ability to quickly and efficiently disarm and take down an opponent when needed. Rozlyn also has a trained ear due to her ability to play along by listening, which allows for her to pick out more subtle and out of place sounds and avoid being caught by surprise.
Disadvantages: Rozlyn's antisocial nature makes forming bonds very difficult and she’s less willing to trust others to help her and is less willing to help others. Her aggression can be easily turned into a hair trigger temper, resulting in her taking actions without any forethought into the possible consequences. She has exceptionally bad near-sightedness without her glasses, and dark or crowded environments can become impossible to understand if she doesn’t have them on.

[VoltTurtle]

Heya Starlet. Welcome to SOTF! I'm the staffer that has Rozlyn. Unfortunately, she's currently DENIED pending some changes and rewrites.

The main issue with Rozlyn's profile, which I will get into in detail later on in this, is that the profile is written in a very... narrative fashion. While profiles do fundamentally tell the story of a character's life, they shouldn't be written in a dramatic way, but instead a way that's straight to the point. You'll see more about this in a moment. For now, my comments are below.

Age: 19, born December 17th

Birthdate shouldn't be in the age field, just the character's numerical age. If you want to mention it, move it to the biography in the sentence where she is born.

Hobbies and Interests: Rock Music, Drumming, Wrestling, Quiet Evenings Alone

So Drumming and Wrestling are sufficiently substantiated hobbies, but both rock music and "quiet evenings alone" are not discussed basically at all. For a hobby or interest to be significant enough to be placed in this list, it needs to have at least one dedicated paragraph in the biography (or the equivalent spread out throughout). Please add one for both of these hobbies, or cut them and substitute them for at least one of the other sports Rozlyn participates in, or school band as that is significant to her (either of those options will still require some expansion in the biography, though).

dark brown catlike eyes

Catlike...? As in, she has the very rare genetic condition that results in malformed cat-like irises? If that is the case, it'll need to be mentioned in the biography, and the negative effects on her vision will need to be mentioned in her disadvantages.

Otherwise you may be getting a bit too poetic in a profile and should use another descriptor (or just cut catlike).

thick lenses, and typically in a bored or aggravated expression

Change the comma after lenses to a period. Change what follows the (current) comma to: "Her resting facial expression is typically bored or aggravated."

Her hoodies often possess sarcastic or obscene messages, sexually charged imagery such as pin-up women or innuendo, or characters from media with goth aesthetics. Her boots are knee-high and jet black with a short heel and spiked toes, her attachment to this pair of boots is extreme and requests for them to be removed are often met with remarkably high resistance.

So this is... fine, if she wants to wear things like this, but she wouldn't be allowed to wear these things in school without getting in trouble. A mention of what she typically wears around school is needed.

Her middle-class family status afforded her to be able to live fairly comfortably, but she often found her comfort disrupted growing up.

A household with one teacher parent and a stay at home mom being middle class? After 2008? In Texas? They would not be able to live comfortably on that kind of money, and that would be worse after a move to the (expensive) Vegas. Either her mom needs a job or their living situation needs to be more realistic, pick one.

shaped her into current day

"Into the current".

moving to Nevada

Need to specify Las Vegas.

She proved moderately successful in her attempts to cultivate a social life, making a handful of close friends in sports and band, but continuing to do her best to avoid certain groups that had familiar faces, having to make exceptions for both her team and band, which both had members who she had previously negative experience with.

This sentence is a bit long. Change the comma after "sports and band" to a period, and change the beginning of the next sentence to "She continued" and this should be fine.

Her small friend group included the likes of three girls named Carmen Torres, Yvonne Larson, and Olivia Winstone, each remained friends with Rozlyn during her middle school years, though none of them were let in very close, the idea of being a close friend was not reciprocated by her and she was prone to deflecting any desires for her to open up socially with them.

Same here. Change the comma after "school years" to a period.

Her academic performance throughout middle school was at an all time high, her reservedness allowed her to put focus into schoolwork as very little of it was ever dedicated to other people, she consistently received high grades and above average performance reviews, earning her much praise from her family and teachers.

Another run-on. Change the comma after "other people" to a period.

On August 2nd, the pair found themselves alone sitting on the sidewalk, and during a pause in their conversation, Dana kissed Rozlyn.

The paragraph this sentence is in is enormous and needs to be split up. Add a paragraph break after this sentence I've highlighted.

willing to engage an argument

Engage in an argument.

persist to current day

Need a "the" before current day.

neither her nor her father

Neither she nor. "Her" is the incorrect pronoun here.

This mixture of personal attacks left her

These are unfortunate events, not personal attacks.

The decreased interaction was both relaxing and terrifying, while people were no longer bothering her as much, nor were they reaching out to her, leaving her feeling more alone than she had ever felt before.

Another huge paragraph. Add another paragraph break after this highlighted sentence.

exchanged pointed words, typical standard shallow

"Typical" and "standard" communicate the same point. Change this comma to an "and" and drop one of those descriptors.

She had made a return to drumming by the turn of the calendar year due to receiving a new set of drumsticks as a birthday present, it did not feel quite the same but she was able to return to a state of comfort with the hobby after a few weeks.

Change this first "she" to "Rozlyn" to restate the subject. Combine this teeny paragraph with the paragraph following it, as a general update on her major hobbies.

She despised how predictable the betrayal was, but it only felt that way in retrospect. She wasn't sure how Veronica had found out about her parent's divorce papers, they weren't something Rozlyn had known about yet, but a single cruel comment about her parents and romanticizing her likely departure from the state infuriated Rozlyn more than anything else anyone had done to her.

The loud cracking sound of Veronica's nose caused Rozlyn to recoil in terror, staring at her hand covered in blood as Veronica struggled to pick herself up off the hard gym floor she had been pushed onto. Rozlyn couldn't get any words out, left speechless a second time in her life, frozen in fear unable to look away from the pooling blood as students, parents, and teachers rushed to help the injured Veronica, the only person coming to check on Rozlyn's wellbeing being her father. The only thing Rozlyn could manage to ask him was if Veronica was telling the truth, tears dripping from her stunned eyes as he confirmed it.

Rozlyn lost most of the last month of middle school due to the suspension she received. She was not excused from the standardized tests but still passed them, scoring an average grade on each of them.

This is where the tonal issues become a noticeable problem. The profile up to this point had some persistent but minor tonal issues that weren't bad enough for me to comment on, but this is the worst of it.

Profiles are not meant to be written or read like narratives/short stories, and they're not supposed to be written from the character's perspective. They're supposed to be a relatively bland and straightforward summation of a character's life, told from the perspective of an omniscient (and bored) member of the AT. Their purpose is to communicate the facts of a character's life and the most significant events of their lives as efficiently as possible.

This is a significant event, sure, but it reads like an episode of a teen drama. There's a major issue in that (as stated) the profile is supposed to be omniscient, and another student finding out about Rozlyn's own parents divorcing before she does is outlandish enough that it needs an explanation (it can't be handwaved). I'll leave the exact specifics to you, though I've provided an acceptable example below. Another major issue is that details about what happened are left out in a dramatic way, which is the opposite of how profiles should be written. As such, these paragraphs will need to be rewritten.

I will rewrite this myself as an example (that you may or may not take, but the rewrite will need to be appropriate), but I would then suggest you do a pass on the whole profile to determine if anything else should be rewritten in a similar manner (particularly, I would suggest doing a pass on the paragraphs about Dana).

For my example, you could combine the above paragraphs together like this:

"Veronica would end up learning of Rozlyn's parents' upcoming divorce before Rozlyn herself, after overhearing her father speaking on the phone at school. Veronica would then end up betraying Rozlyn by making a cruel comment about it to Rozlyn's face and romanticizing her likely departure from the school. This infuriated Rozlyn, who punch Veronica in the face hard enough to break the other girl's nose. Rozlyn received another suspension for this, which caused her to lose most of her last month of middle school. After the incident, she spoke to her father and learned, to her dismay, that Veronica had been telling the truth."

Also, add another line break before the paragraph starting with "The summer", as you missed one.

The summer would be the last she'd spend in Texas, her father was approved for a similar position to his current one but elsewhere, a middle school in Las Vegas, and her parents had officiated their divorce by the end of July. She and her father would drive out from Texas to Nevada over the course of a week, taking stops in a few states to do some sightseeing and bonding, as her father was hoping that it would ease the transition.

Does her father have complete custody? He would need it in order to take her away from her mom to Vegas. How did he get complete custody, if so?

This is important because divorce courts tend to side with the child's mother in custody battles, especially when the father is intent on moving away. Maybe her mother ceded custody to her father, but that would need to be mentioned.

Her open garage drum performances returned

I find it doubtful that a single dad on a teacher's salary would be able to afford a house in Vegas with a garage, even renting. They would presumably have a two-bedroom apartment at best. Fundamentally, she'd still be able to annoy her neighbors sometimes, but it wouldn't be from out of a garage (and it would still need to be toned down, because it could get them kicked out).

aggressive demeanour to the

Demeanor.

She has no set plans for the future, but is curious about the potential of joining a band, even if it's not necessarily guaranteed to be a successful endeavour. But her primary focus is simply to make it through her last year of high school and figure it out from there.

Split this into its own paragraph at the very end, and change the first "she" to "Rozlyn". It's fine if it's short, this is just customary. Also, drop the "but" here and just have that sentence start as "Her primary".

Advantages: Skilled close quarters combatant from her lifetime of sports and wrestling, and a trained ear due to her musical hobbies.
Disadvantages: Aggressive and antisocial nature makes forming bonds difficult, can be easily turned into a hair trigger temper resulting in taking actions without any forethought into the possible consequences.

Not satisfied with these advantages/disadvantages. First, these are paragraphs like any other, and Rozlyn's name needs to be mentioned so the reader knows for sure that's who this is talking about.

For the advantages, I'm going to need you to expand on how being skilled in CQC would help her, and how having a "trained ear" from music would help her. The first is obvious, the latter less so. These should be in distinct sentences.

For the disadvantages, again, her antisocial nature should be split from her aggressive tendencies into two distinct sentences. We want a sentence for each advantage and disadvantage. Elaborate on why each could cause her problems, as well. Also, no mention of her eyesight? She presumably has those big glasses mentioned in her appearance for a reason.


...and that's it, for now. I will make another pass on the profile once you finish sorting all of that out, as there's likely stuff I want to touch on still left. Post back here when you have those edits made and I'll give Rozlyn another look!

[StarletDevil]

Thanks for the critique! Definitely gave me some good direction to move towards, so some parts of her character have been able to have small expansions to them that make everything a bit stronger I feel.
I was also able to use what I was told in some parts of the critique to make some small events to play into those, while still making the necessary adjustments in a way I think satisfies what was requested of me.

Her current living arrangements not having a garage is something I felt I couldn't easily compromise on, so I hope the prospect of moving in with extended family makes that ideal more viable.

Google Docs also said the exact same thing when it came to most of the grammar, but the profile in its current state doesn't have any blue or red lines!

Thanks again for the critique!

[VoltTurtle]

Heya again, Starlet. Apologies for the delay, I had a lot of Life happening last week. Rozlyn is looking a lot better and a lot more readable but there's still quibbles. My comments are below:

light scarring on the outside of her fingers

The outside of her fingers? Like, her skin? Yeah, I'd hope she doesn't have scarring on the inside of her fingers! I don't think you meant this word exactly, I'd just say "scarring on her fingers" as that's fine.

diamond-shaped head

Would be her face, not her head.

and dark brown eyes, usually covered by round bifocal prescription glasses with very thick lenses

Get rid of the comma here. Her glasses are associated with her eyes.

She tends to be seen in a bored or aggravated expression

Would be "with" not "in" here.

and a petite hourglass figure

Wouldn't she be more muscular, due to her hobbies? At least noticeably toned.

family-friendly apparel in her wardrobe

You can cut this "in her wardrobe".

though the people who tend to receive her support do not have a history of positive reviews

A few things. One, I don't exactly think "customer reviews" are a thing with church support groups. Two, I don't think this detail adds anything in the first place, beyond villainizing Rozlyn's mother, which isn't what we want in profiles. Detached, neutral, and omniscient are the name of the game with profiles. Cut this.

As a child she was

As stated before, you should always restate the subject when you start a new paragraph. If your first sentence of a paragraph has a pronoun instead of a name, that's bad and can create confusion. This "she" should be a "Rozlyn". Whenever this problem crops up later (and it does often) I will simply say "restate the subject".

sports player, she often

Period here, not a comma. These are two separate clauses and joining them without a conjunction is what is known as a "comma splice" which is generally bad and makes it harder to understand sentences.

Despite her hesitance, she attempted

Restate the subject.

Her academic performance throughout

Change this first "her" to "Rozlyn's". Restate the subject with each new paragraph.

Her physical education scores

Restate the subject.

By the end of her first year

Restate the subject.

Her performance in her second year

Restate the subject.

and would receive three more for similar incidents by the end of the year

Four suspensions in a single school year for fighting could potentially be grounds for more extreme disciplinary action from the school, up to expulsion. Tone this down to just one additional incident in the same year and it should be fine.

Tension between her parents had begun

Restate the subject.

arguments, unfamiliar locations, and

"Sleeping in unfamiliar locations" for clarity.

Her final year of middle school

Restate the subject.

She continued to succeed academically

Restate the subject.

Rozlyn had made a return to drumming by the turn of the calendar year due to receiving a new set of drumsticks as a birthday present, it did not feel quite the same but she was able to return to a state of comfort with the hobby after a few weeks.

As stated before, this is an orphaned sentence. I don't think it really fits with either the preceding or following paragraph, though, and I also don't think it's really necessary. Just go ahead and cut it.

Around a month before the match, Veronica had walked past Mr. Dolor’s classroom while she was going to exit the school. He’d been on the phone with a lawyer discussing he and his wife’s desire to divorce. This piqued Veronica’s interest and she’d stopped to listen to the conversation, intending to listen as much as possible, but having that plan stopped after around 5 minutes when another faculty member found and asked her about why she hadn’t left yet.

Combine this paragraph (once you have finished making my adjustments below) with the one following it.

Veronica’s interest and she’d stopped to listen

Wrong tense. She stopped is fine.

intending to listen as much as possible, but having that plan stopped after around 5 minutes when another faculty member found and asked her about why she hadn’t left yet.

Unnecessary detail, shorten to: "intending to listen to as much as possible, but she was stopped by a teacher and sent away."

so Veronica mentioning it during their match blindsided Rozlyn

Going to a match is a bit of a jump. To smooth out the transition: "so when Veronica later mentioned it during a wrestling match, it blindsided Rozlyn."

End the sentence there.

and a state of confusion and aggravation about something she was not aware of being used to taunt her would lead her to stop keeping herself within the accepted rules of the match, and instead take out all of her aggression on Veronica at once by slamming Veronica’s face onto the bare floor instead of the mat, resulting in Veronica having a broken nose.

This is a run-on with unneeded details. Restructured and shortened: "This revelation confused and aggravated her, causing her to take out all of her aggression on Veronica at once by slamming Veronica’s face onto the bare floor, resulting in Veronica having a broken nose."

brought on by her doing this

Cut.

her to flee backwards

She can just flee. "Backwards" doesn't really make any sense here.

Rozlyn lost most of the last month of middle school due to the suspension she received. She was not excused from the standardized tests but still passed them, scoring an average grade on each of them.

This is an orphan now. Combine with the prior paragraph. Provided you shorten the previous sentences as directed, it should be fine, if a little big.

The summer would be the last she'd

Restate the subject.

spend in Texas, her father

Change this comma to a period.

Rozlyn’s mother eventually found herself having to move to live somewhere far less comfortable, as while her work with the church and individually was just enough to allow for the shared income of her and her former husband to live in the house they did, she was pulling significantly less of the weight, and on her own could either afford the house or herself, but not both.

This is unneeded information. Once Rozlyn's mother separates from Rozlyn herself she ceases to matter for the profile, because it's is about Rozlyn and not her mother. Cut this entire portion and combine the paragraph that it is in with the paragraph that follows it (about them moving to Nevada).

During a stop in Arizona they visited a store that was full of punk aesthetic attire, Rozlyn was enamoured with the items on display, and they ended up buying quite a few items, including her now signature spiked leather boots and a selection of hoodies, and a vinyl record of her favorite album, Paramore’s 2007 release “Riot!”.

Another run-on. As a general tip, please use commas less and periods more often. Any ideas that can be separated from each other with a full stop should be. Restructured:

"During a stop in Arizona they visited a store that was full of punk aesthetic attire. Rozlyn was enamoured with the items on display, and they ended up buying quite a few items, including her now signature spiked leather boots, a selection of hoodies, and a vinyl record of her favorite album, Paramore’s “Riot!”."

The album was something her father had introduced her to, as her music taste is almost entirely inherited from her father, passing on his enjoyment of more classic rock music down to her, which she then took and moved forwards with, enjoying mostly 2000’s to 2010’s rock music from bands such as Shinedown, Halestorm, Volbeat, Disturbed, Green Day, and Paramore, which stands as her favorite band.

Another run-on. Restructured (with some adjustments for clarity and restating the subject):

"The album was something Rozlyn's father had introduced her to, as her music taste is almost entirely inherited from him. He passed his enjoyment of more classic rock music down to her, which she then took and moved forwards with. She enjoys mostly 2000’s to 2010’s rock music from bands such as Shinedown, Halestorm, Volbeat, Disturbed, Green Day, and Paramore, the last of which is her favorite band."

Settling into Las Vegas was strange for her

Restate the subject.

Due to the timing of her arrival, her father's job preparations, and the move-in settling, she was unable to see herself able to attend Red Rock that school year, so she spent a year adjusting to the new surroundings and making attempts to acquaint herself with some of her soon to be peers.

Combine with the previous paragraph.

Her open garage drum performances returned

Restate the subject.

behind her drumkit

Drum kit is two words.

High school saw her return to her

Restate the subject.

her, this is an improvement

Change the "this" to "as it" to create a conjunction.

Skilled close quarters

"Rozlyn is a skilled", restating the subject happens here too.

A trained ear

"She has a trained ear". These need to be proper sentences, not a bullet point list turned into a paragraph.

Also, you added an extra line break between Advantages and Disadvantages that shouldn't be there.

Her antisocial nature

Restate the subject one last time.

without her glasses, dark or

"And" after the comma. Conjunctions are important.


... and that's it. Post back here when you have that done and I'll give Rozlyn another look!

[StarletDevil]

That should be everything as asked! I think for the most part the edits this time are just verbatim what's suggested since they're fairly simple this time around, with maybe the biggest deviation being restating the subject slightly earlier than suggested. Thanks again for the critique!

[VoltTurtle]

You missed something from my prior critique, but it was small so I just fixed it myself. You're good to go.

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