Kermit Critiques

wtf the most recent thread in this subforum is from nearly 4 years ago

This is the critique board, suggested by Outfoxd. Come here to request critiques and critique the work of others. The goal of this board is to be a respectful environment conducive to the improvement of writing skills.
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Kermit
Posts: 1884
Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2018 9:06 pm
Location: Don't worry about it :)

Kermit Critiques

#1

Post by Kermit »

See title.

Hello. As you may have guessed, I'm Kermit. I am an individual who has read a lot of SOTF. Sometimes I have opinions on things. Rarely do I share them, because I generally consider them arbitrary and irrelevant under most circumstances, and also because it takes me a great deal of creative effort to directly articulate them in a way that satisfactorily and succinctly conveys what I actually want to say. Nonetheless, there are people who may care about them for some reason. If you are one of those people, this thread is for you.

Things to note:
- Secretly deep down beneath the shitposting and recursive irony layers, I'm a horrifying blend approximately somewhere between Spock and Abed from Community. My general reading background prior to SOTF trended heavily towards non-fiction stuff. I did not grow up entrenched in fanfiction and YA and VNs. I have never engaged in fandom culture beyond an observational capacity. Media theory is my skrunkly blorbo. All this will have a bearing on the perspective I'm approaching your critique from. Most of the time, the bulk of my actual critique is going to be focused more on form/functionality, composition, and rp theory stuff, rather than "this thing conforms to my personal taste."
- If I'm critical of something, please please please don't beat yourself (or me!) up over it or take it personally, because that's not how I mean it! None of us are going to be perfect RPers or writers 100% of the time, and that's okay! I ain't gonna blame you for it or hold it against you. At the end of the day, on a certain level most of this will still come down to my personal perceptions and opinions, and I, like you, am a fallible human being.
- I will be accepting characters from both Main & Mini. However, critiques for offsite RPs like DoTF and non-official ones like ORDG are outside my wheelhouse. Please, characters with (game-mechanically) "finished" stories only (that means, at the moment, no v8 survivors (until aftermath closes August 1st!!!).)
- One character per handler at a time. When requesting a critique, keep in mind that there's only one of me -- beefy characters will hold up the queue.
- I will be publicly posting my writeups in this thread as I finish them! If that's something that'd give you anxiety, please please please, don't feel obligated to put yourself into the line of fire for this. Writeups for Main kids will go in the Main thread, writeups for Mini kids will go in the Mini thread.

Finally, because I'm a bureaucrat at heart, here is the critique request form. Post in this thread with it filled out, and I'll put you in the queue.
Character Name: (self-explanatory)
Specific Requests for Critique: (e.g. Are there any aspects you want me to focus on for your critique (readability, dialogue, pacing, RP theory, composition, etc.)? Do you want me to use the softest kid gloves I can? Do you want me to be an insufferable CinemaSins-esque pedant about every single mistake you may have made in your life?)
Queue:
  1. Ray Sullivan (EllisWilson, Cyber) - [CURRENTLY IN-PROGRESS, DEALING WITH A FEW SELF-INFLICTED TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES (AKA, I ACCIDENTALLY OVERWROTE THE TEXT DOC WHERE I WAS DOING MY WRITEUP BECAUSE IN MY INFINITE WISDOM I NAMED IT NEARLY IDENTICALLY TO THE DOC WHERE I KEEP IN-PROGRESS STAT STUFF)]
  2. Ana Ford (Deamon, Supers)
  3. Katelynne Kirkpatrick (Jilly, V7)
  4. Kyle Benson (Ohm, Supers)
  5. Jewel Evans (MurderWeasel, TV2)
  6. Melodie Bernard (Yona, Supers)
  7. Claire Haig (Dogs231, V8)
  8. Ximena Rodriguez (Carrion Queen, Supers)
  9. Eden Zima (Zetsu, V8)
  10. June Madison (Maraoone, V8)
[+] v7
[+] Michael Froese
Michael Froese - The story of an identity; the story of a matador; the story of a liar; the story of a junkie; the story of a very special frog; the story of a jackal; the story of an oscillator; the story of a ghost; the story of the death of an author; the story of a bunch of other stuff.

THREADS!

PREGAME: Mad world - This...this felt nice. - Michael was incredibly disappointed in himself for actually agreeing to go do something with Beryl. - He wasn't actually all that sorry. - Part of him was worried his real motivation wasn't self-torturing altruism but instead the fact that it was one of the few things that still made him feel.

ISLAND:
Michael and all of his friends were going to be footnotes in a history textbook. - he was folding in on himself like a four-dimensional object in three-dimensional space - Everything was about pain, fear, and love. - "Gave them our reactions, our explosions, all that was ours; For graphs of passion, and charts of stars." - He had a duty to look into someone's eyes as he killed them. - Closure really did sound like nothing at all. - "I wish we were lovers, but it's for the best." - Michael Froese the award-winning murderer. That was who he was now. - "I wanted to lose myself." - "Good and bad, all roads lead to Rome and I just, it hurts too much to be a good person." - "Somewhere out there in the deep blue sea, there's this whale." - "...It's harder to be yourself than it is to be anybody else." - "The neighbors, they adored him for his humor and his conversation. Look underneath the house there, find the few living things, rotting fast in their sleep; oh, the dead," - He gave her a big hug. He buried his head in her shoulder, feeling her cold, spongy, rubbery skin against his forehead. She had no eyes. She had no face. Something had eaten her face. - Michael Froese was a crazy person with a gun. - Validation. - "You don't live in a goddamned movie." - "I miss what it's like to be, like, actually alone." - "Market data inconsistent. Cantor API problem. Trading system offline," - Michael didn't want this. It wasn't like that'd stop him. - "I'm wide awake, it's morning." - He was a spree killer now, he supposed. - When he gave his word, he was giving nothing. - The fact they even existed was being politicized. - "BERYL FUCKING MAHELONA. TELL ME WHAT YOU DID TO BERYL MAHELONA," - 'Am I gray?' - A beach covered in unidentified decedents. - He'd never felt anything unconditionally. - "Look around you, you're surrounded.
It won't get any better. And so, goodnight."
[+] Valerija Bogdanovic
The story of a (failed) revolutionary.

THREADS!

PREGAME: August 12th, 2017 - The explosive sound of metal hitting metal

ISLAND:
She turned away. Everything from here on out was for the terrorists to see. - "All of us, we have the chance to actually do something with our lives." - The students were the shark in the box. - Complacency was festering like a tumour. - "She's right. It won't - it won't change anything," - Scraped into the wall, in neatly-styled lettering, the words "If they won't live in peace, then they'll die for peace." - Val needed a gun, - "I do not care for violence without a point," she stated. "My gun is not loaded." - "Juliette, I'm sure you already know this, but you really should take pains to be careful around people who speak only in enthymemes." - "Someone once said, 'Change must come with the barrel of a gun', and they were not wrong." - Two explosions.
none of you can prove im in v8
[+] v9, AKA. Kermit rejects modernity, returns to writing mentally ill bisexuals.
[+] Sad Gay Hours with Kermit and Mara.
Well no one's gonna fix it for us, no one can
You say that "No one's gonna listen, no one understands."
And so there's no open doors, there's no way to get through
There's no other witnesses, just us two
There's two people living in one small room
From your two half-families tearing at you
Two ways to tell the story, no one worries
Two silver rings on our fingers in a hurry
Two people talking inside your brain
Two people believing that I'm the one to blame
Two different voices coming out of your mouth
While I'm too cold to care and too sick to shout
[+] The mallgoth who died offscreen in Supers
You can read me like a book
I'm not as clever as I look
I've got a sneaky kind of selfish
That I keep up on the shelf
With jars of double-sided comments
For people who've done nothing wrong
Preparing for the lights
And always practicing my sha-na-na's
I will stand right next to giants
And roar beside the lions
[+] Johnny R. Fightmaster
What road?
What road?
What road?
What road?
I'd been working on some open-ended shit
I was looking for an in and that was it
Back at the recital, signs remain vital
A statue is stone which rejects its own pulse
You heart's fair, your heart's square, your heart's not even there
Wasting shore leave on the girls from Point St. Claire
There is a light and it goes out, oh
A touch of classicism in the night
Your backlash was right where I wanted you
Yes, that's right, I wanted you, too
[+] Pow Pow
From this position
I will relax
From this position
I can see the whole site

From this position
Oh, oh just relax
From this position
I took the staff test
I now have a purple name

And chat goes @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
It goes @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff

From this position
I can see all the pings
From this position
I totally get how our decisions were reached

From this position
I can say "no pregame murders," or "Tracen Danya is canonically a catboy TikTokker," or "go bother Deamon instead,"
From this position, from this position
It's kind of like eating myself to death

With you on the outside
And me on the inside
There's advantages to both
(Advantages to both!)

And me being uptight
And you being all right
There's advantages to each
(Advantages! Advantages!)

From this perspective, from this position
I have a good grip on both of them
Because I have stayed home
And have learned a little more about my community
Which is important
You know, Main's got 1,269 characters to read

So chat goes @Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
So it's @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
It goes @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff

With you in a sidechat
And me in the staffchat
There's advantages to both
(Advantages to both)

And now you have gone terminally inactive
And then you didn't send an appeal
And so I will have to take away your beloved character and then I will have to kill them
(And i'll feel really bad about doing it even though it's my job ;~;)

Now I have been Danya
And you are not Danya
There's advantages to each
(Advantages to each)
And we're coming back, coming back, coming back
Until there's no U.S. state left untouched on the map
We probably should have expected that people would mishandle colonialism in the Hawaii version

I'm paralyzed
And looking through you
But if nothing's right
Please don't yell at meeee

As a terrified autistic person
I'm amazed at my decision to play

On this occasion, there are a couple of things that we know that we pulled from Fact Magazine
One, character morality discourse is annoying and I don't care about it
Two, your time will come, but this is gonna be our version
So you should give us all of your roll nulls
Three, I wrote a goth and you did not, so shut up, because you don't know shit about goths that you didn't get from me

So times have been tough
And times have been tough
We have been staffkilled, unrolled, and rolled out
But honestly
And let's be honest with ourselves
How much time did we waste?
How much time did we all blow every day?

And so it's @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
Oh, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff

So @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
(Please do not ping @Staff as a joke!)
(Staff will kill you in real life!)
(Yes I mean you!)

With you on the inside
And me on the outside
There's advantages to both
(Advantages to both!)

With my name in purple
And your name in blue
There's advantages to each
(Advantages! Advantages!)

From this position
I feel an affinity for the both of them, which is confusing
But honestly
I should be careful because otherwise, I'm being, I'm being, you know, what's it called?
Oh, fuck it
...
-Reclining, I'm getting used to it
Like writing a mentally ill bisexual
It's an entirely new
Discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery

And then a couple of versions on mini
And then a version on main
And then back over to mini and then to main, again
To use up my desire for
Discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery

For an instant
We could have been sold as a book
But the site's all been plagiarized
From Koushun Takami anyway
So what you want for now
Is for someone to read you
And to hear that the trends you like
Won't become overplayed

And I don't knoOOOOOOOw what I'm doing
I don't knooooowwww
I don't knooooowwww
I don't knooooowwww

(Staff will kill you in real life!)
I'm losing my edge.
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Jilly
Posts: 1320
Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 3:54 pm
Location: drinking all of your Dr. Pepper

#2

Post by Jilly »

hey kermbo, thanks for offering looks at characters

Character Name: Katelynne Kirkpatrick (V7)
Specific Requests for Critique: Just anything that really sticks out to you as either being noteworthy or kinda cringe, if she reads too much like "man writing feminine woman" syndrome or if her narrative treats her like she's too innocent and good of a person instead of being flawed in her own right, etc. You can go as brutal or kind as you want but I would rather not see the cinemasins counter in the corner.
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Dogs231
Posts: 358
Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2020 8:40 pm

#3

Post by Dogs231 »

Character Name: Claire Haig
Specific Requests for Critique: Standard. I also request a second copy written entirely in Shakespearian sonnet (per Toben's suggestion).
[+] PRESENT
V8 — THE DEAD OF WINTER
Relationship Thread

Image
🕇 S021: Corbin Azinger is viewing the world in black and white — "I had shit to work towards, once. I had a future, I had dreams. I did everything I was supposed to, and it landed me here." [Adopted by AlmostInhuman]

“Someone who is determined to disbelieve something can manage to disregard an Everest of evidence for it.” - George Will

The Game: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

Intention.

Image
S031: Abhishek Panicker is leading a revolution of his own — "After all, you know me better than anyone else ever did. I'd like to keep my secrets, you know? Let them all wonder. It's more fun that way."

“The distinguishing mark of man is the hand, the instrument with which he does all his mischief.” - George Orwell

Pregame: 1, 2, 3, 4
The Game: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

Ideology.

Image
S043: Donovan Lauer is dreaming about his victory — "I just wanted to be a winner. That's all I ever wanted—to win something for once, just once, in my life. I was tired of losing. I was tired of being a loser."

“Tex looks at me and says 'There's no 'I' in team!' I looked at Tex and say, 'There's not, but there's an 'I' in win!'” - Michael Jordan

Pregame: 1
The Game: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

Initiative.

Image
S061: Alexander Hawthorne is trying to put his life together — "I am not afraid anymore. Because now, there is nothing—absolutely nothing—left in this life for me to be afraid of; there is nothing left for me to lose." [Adopted from Salic]

“You will be required to do wrong no matter where you go. It is the basic condition of life, to be required to violate your own identity.” - Phillip K. Dick

Pregame: 1
The Game: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15

Industry.

Image
S091: Claire Haig is thinking about her life story — "Because, in spite of everything, there's still a part of me that wants to believe. ... To believe that there's still something human left behind when you take our masks away. That, beneath the skin, we're not just monsters."

“The world, that understandable and lawful world, was slipping away.” - William Golding

Pregame: 1
The Game: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26

Identity.

MEANWHILE — THE CITY OF GHOSTS

██/██/████
[+] FUTURE
V9:

Image
⛼ Damien Vásquez — “The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary; men alone are quite capable of every wickedness.” - Joseph Conrad

Image
⬤ Rohan Sen — “Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.” - Henry David Thoreau

Image
≋ Isaac Kea — “The word impossible has been and must remain deleted from our dictionary.” – Ingvar Kamprad

BEYOND:

∎ William Springfield — “There is nothing more remorseless, just as there is nothing more helpful, than truth.” - William C. Redfield

★ Simon Chase — “What I have done up to this is nothing. I am only at the beginning of the course I must run.” - Napoleon Bonaparte

✠ Harvey Gallant — “It is just that, in so terrible a day, and in the last moments of my life, I should discover all the iniquity of falsehood, and make the truth triumph." - Jacques de Molay

👁 Koda Silver — “The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing.” - Albert Einstein

◓ Edgar Clause — “We herd sheep, we drive cattle, we lead people. Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way.” - George S. Patton

☧ Adam Angelo — “Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed” - The Bible, John 3:20

User avatar
Zetsu
Posts: 761
Joined: Thu Aug 16, 2018 6:58 am

#4

Post by Zetsu »

board critiques my beloved

Character Name: Eden Zima
Specific Requests for Critique: I'd like something on the tough and nitpicky side of things, but not necessarily brutal. Focus on whatever you want; I'd appreciate thoughts on both/either macro and/or micro stuff!
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Maraoone
Posts: 1039
Joined: Sun Aug 19, 2018 11:39 am

#5

Post by Maraoone »

henlo

Character Name: June Madison
Specific Requests for Critique: Say things however you want to say them, no need to hold back. Particularly would like thoughts on her Aftermath
[+] the youfs
V8:
S050: June Madison is just trying to get it together. She is rolling a pearl.
Previous Threads: Help I'm Alive - Come Out, Juanita, Don't Let Me Wait - Dum Spiro Spero - Everyone's Asleep In The House But Me - Daylight - keep looking forwards on paths sideways - Vultures - Ego Te Absolvo - Shawn's Marvelous Medicine - Medically Ineffective Intervention - no one knows where the ladder goes - I just can't help myself - Color In Your Cheeks - The Long Way Down - Trespasser - I'm going where the cold wind blows - One Last Roll in the Dark - Arrow - V8 Rescue
Pregame: When The Moon Hits Your Eye

Dead:
S069: Valentin Shulgin (adopted from yugi punished kun and salic) needs you to try your best. He's ran out of time in Далеко бежит дорога. [31/134]
Previous Threads: Murphy's Law - The Human Element - Mediation - Valentin Takes A Bath - the results of Valentin's experiment - Faire et Refaire - Well, I'm tired of losing - et Refaire et Refaire et Refaire - 28 Ghosts IV

S072: Przemyslaw Ziemiak (adopted from rc) is bettering himself. He finally got to see the stars in Blind Faith. [70/134]
Previous Threads: Romans 6:23 - Wendy House - Possession - Evening / Morning - She said, "Don't make others suffer for your personal hatred." - I daydream until all the snow is gone
[+] V7
V7:
Dead:
B083 - Diego Larrosa - Palayain mo na ako. - He didn't want this. say goodnight to the bad guy [10/159]
Current Theme Music: Devil Town (v1) - cavetown
Weapon: Tactical Combat Shovel
Previous Threads: Love & Money - before the day is done, my prince is gonna come - How Far I'll Go - Gimme, Gimme Shelter or I'm Gonna Fade Away - no one round here's good at keeping their eyes closed - Still Waiting - Hell is Other People - RICH_BOY_LIKES_IT_ROUGH.MP4 - I Don't Wanna Be Myself - The Bell Tolls For Our Funeral - The Gang Goes Out For Breakfast - Untrust Us - Crimewaves - Love itself is just as innocent as roses in May - Will All Be Forgiven? - black eyes looking up from below - Silent Key - it's ok we're just scared - life's alright in devil town - Beyond Human (Barely Human) - And Now Those Days Are Over and We Are All Ghosts - The Ultimate Test of Cerebral Fitness - Ang Pagbibinata ni Diego Larrosa - perverse verdict - Madness in the Method - park the car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me
Memories: Hiya sa Timog

G013 - Yuka Hayashibara (adopted from Ryuki!) - Does it spark joy? - She fixed up her look in one of a kind [46/159]
Current Theme Music: Play With Me - DDLC OST
Weapon: Bug-A-Salt Camofly 2.0 Insect Eradication Gun
Previous Threads: Quintessential Thinking - I Pray to the Lord You Reveal what His Truth is - all of our heroes fading - now i can't stand to be alone - Incredible Adventures - there's a pale imitation burnt in my eyes - Red Of Tooth And Claw - The Fifth Announcement - Low Times - Party Like It's 1999 - Hell and You - We're All Excited, We Don't Know Why, Maybe It's 'Cause, We're Gonna Die - Ron Gets a Bath As Well, Whether He Wants To or Not - No Exit
Pregame: In Vino Veritas - Shake It Out
Memories: Hayashibara Heart to Heart
Prom: Fear and Delight
Trip: Room 832: Welcome to the Witching Hour

G052 - Joanne Coleman (adopted from Cicada!) - I've got a thick skin and an elastic heart. - She tried to do something in Sleep Is The Cousin Of Death [116/159]
Current Theme Music: When You Die - MGMT
Weapon: George Hunter High School mascot costume
Previous Threads: hold on to this lullaby - Don't Stray Off The Path - D.R.E.A.M. - I'm Not That Nice, I'm Mean and I'm Evil - we keep these promises, write it in a letter
Pregame: You did not break me. I'm still fighting for peace. - Desperate Times - Heavy is the Head That Wears the Crown - Do You Have The Time - i'm so 3008
Memories: I'm alright. I'm just fine. And you're a tool, so. - Make A New Cult Every Day

G075 - Aditi Sharma (adopted from Brackie! and somer!) - She failed in Yellow Light [88/159]
Weapon: Browning Hi Power 9mm
Previous Threads: Pandorama - Antisocial Darwinism - My Lucifer Is Lonely - They Couldn't Buy A Fucking Toaster. They're Broke, John.
[+] V6
V6 Characters:
G062 - Olivia Fischer prayed a thousand prayers in Ye Not [37/107]
Previous Threads: Sæglópur - Until all our yesterdays are lighted fools... - the way to dusty death - a concrete cave - I'd Say That I've Had Worse Days, but Then I'd Be Lying - Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying - Until Then, You Are Free - Cast in the Name of God
Memories: Sometimes when we reach for the stars...
Weapon: Lobotomy pick.
[+] V5
Dead:
B045 - Juhan Levandi - An Estonian wanna-be journalist with a fear of the dark who wanted to bring them all down in Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien [18/152]
Weapon: Party Bag (contains a noisemaker, party hat, two single-serving bags of candy, and a Hotwheels car)
Pre-Game Threads: Wiping All Out - Quixotic
Previous V5 Threads: Despair - The Real Folk Blues - The two people in the distance were Paulo and Becca - Mischief Managed - Sleeper Cell - Tell No Tales - So, How Was Your Day? - And I'm Not Sleeping Now - Intermission - Glass - A Manic Depressive Named Laughing Boy
G067 - Carmina Maliksi - A Filipina car junkie with a /slight/ obsession with Korea and Japan who has finished things up (somewhat) in Red as Blood [139/152]
Weapon: Non-Functional Flamethrower (left in the Clubhouse)
Previous V5 Threads: Finding Center - Wish I Could Breathe - The Visionary
Memories: Offended?
B054 - Oscar Trig (adopted from Greg the Anti-Viking) - An artist who desperately needs a pencil, paper and a cigar and thought with his heart in Fumble [76/152]
Weapon: Binoculars
Pregame Threads: Taking it to the Streets
Previous V5 Threads: Waking Up at the Beginning of Time - Steadier Footing - Handoff
[+] misc
[+] meirl
Image
new resting place for chatsig never forget 2018
give my v8 kids friends pls
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