((June Madison continues from the first circle is the last circle))
The Salem Woods Highland Park was a marshy expanse of forest around ten minutes from her house. It was the most isolated area nearby that she could think of. Anywhere else, like the Essex Bridge, or a tall building elsewhere in Salem, was too crowded; someone might try to stop her. Or, she might have to subject a whole neighborhood to the sight of her corpse, traumatize an entire town the way she’d been traumatized time and time again. Here, at least, she would be less of a bother, for once. She would be found by just one or two hikers the morning after, and then the authorities would collect her body, and then the funeral, and then that was it. No more unrest.
She had stepped a bit off the trail so that she was on the very shore of the marsh, dense woods behind her, waters in front. The sky was clear, the crescent moon providing just enough pale light for her to see her surroundings, and though the snow had all melted, the chill of the night still settled deep in her bones, with the same bite as on the island. A little more discomfort to bear.
The butcher knife, still slick with her blood, was held tight in her right hand. The wound on her neck wept, still. She stared at the blade for a while, and a while, and a while, and then in one fluid motion, she brought the edge of the blade to her neck, once more.
She just needed to follow through this one time.
I'm not angry anymore
Well, sometimes I am. Evening of January 17, private. TW: depictions of attempted suicide
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ViolentMedic
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Behind June, there was the hurried rustling of feet on the path before a voice spoke up behind her.
“June?”
((Marshall West continued from Keeping Productive.))
He was pretty sure this was a dream and he didn't like it.
Marshall’s tone was unsure, his eyes lingered on the blood, on the placement of the knife. He extended one hand, squinting through the shadows, and took a step forward.
Marshall wasn’t really sure what was happening. He’d seen June, and he’d followed. Even accepting help that he didn't want to take to do it. Even then, they'd lost her, and just been lucky enough to see her car haphazardly parked.
He hadn’t stopped to ask himself what was occurring, or why she might be running for her car with a knife in hand. He’d had ideas, thinking that perhaps the game was truly on again. But no-one was to be seen but June - he hadn’t checked the house, too caught up in chasing her.
Everything was too out of place in a world that was meant to be familiar again. So instead of commenting on the blood, or the knife, or where the knife was even though it filled him with the coldest of dread…
Another step forward.
“What are you doing? Come on. It’s cold out here.”
“June?”
((Marshall West continued from Keeping Productive.))
He was pretty sure this was a dream and he didn't like it.
Marshall’s tone was unsure, his eyes lingered on the blood, on the placement of the knife. He extended one hand, squinting through the shadows, and took a step forward.
Marshall wasn’t really sure what was happening. He’d seen June, and he’d followed. Even accepting help that he didn't want to take to do it. Even then, they'd lost her, and just been lucky enough to see her car haphazardly parked.
He hadn’t stopped to ask himself what was occurring, or why she might be running for her car with a knife in hand. He’d had ideas, thinking that perhaps the game was truly on again. But no-one was to be seen but June - he hadn’t checked the house, too caught up in chasing her.
Everything was too out of place in a world that was meant to be familiar again. So instead of commenting on the blood, or the knife, or where the knife was even though it filled him with the coldest of dread…
Another step forward.
“What are you doing? Come on. It’s cold out here.”
She let out a puff of air from her nose. Even here, in the middle of the woods, even when she needed it, no one could fucking leave her alone.
Her neck, as if suddenly aware of the blade, constricted, her breathing shallowed so as to touch the blade as little as possible, though her arm stayed where it was, the position of the blade fixed in relation to her neck. She didn’t look back at Marshall. Couldn’t.
She laughed weakly.
“It won’t matter soon.”
A moment of silence.
“Please leave. You don’t have to see this.”
Her neck, as if suddenly aware of the blade, constricted, her breathing shallowed so as to touch the blade as little as possible, though her arm stayed where it was, the position of the blade fixed in relation to her neck. She didn’t look back at Marshall. Couldn’t.
She laughed weakly.
“It won’t matter soon.”
A moment of silence.
“Please leave. You don’t have to see this.”
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ViolentMedic
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“I’m not leaving.”
This time, there was absolute certainty in the tone.
He could call for help. Clara, back on the road - presumably, since Marshall had jumped out before she’d even finished parking - would hear him, if he did. But it might press June into action. That action might not be something he can undo.
“If you’re going to cut your throat, I’m going to watch. It’ll stay in my head alongside all the others.”
He might be able to tackle her. If he caught her off-guard, it might be enough. But he would need to be precise, and with how little he’d been sleeping…
And what if she did this again tomorrow? Tackling her wasn’t going to fix it.
“But we didn’t get through the island just to finish the job for them. Put the knife down, June.”
This time, there was absolute certainty in the tone.
He could call for help. Clara, back on the road - presumably, since Marshall had jumped out before she’d even finished parking - would hear him, if he did. But it might press June into action. That action might not be something he can undo.
“If you’re going to cut your throat, I’m going to watch. It’ll stay in my head alongside all the others.”
He might be able to tackle her. If he caught her off-guard, it might be enough. But he would need to be precise, and with how little he’d been sleeping…
And what if she did this again tomorrow? Tackling her wasn’t going to fix it.
“But we didn’t get through the island just to finish the job for them. Put the knife down, June.”
June’s eyes welled up.
“I hurt my mom today.”
She swallowed something hard.
“Did you know that? Do you still wanna help me now?”
“I hurt my mom today.”
She swallowed something hard.
“Did you know that? Do you still wanna help me now?”
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ViolentMedic
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Oh.
His mouth clamped tight for a moment before he said, “I didn’t.”
Marshall’s first instinct was to ask how and why and whether this was the first time, whether it was spontaneous or planned… but so many questions smushed their way through his brain that he never figured out how to vocalise them.
So instead what he said was,
“You’re running away from your mistake, then?”
His mouth clamped tight for a moment before he said, “I didn’t.”
Marshall’s first instinct was to ask how and why and whether this was the first time, whether it was spontaneous or planned… but so many questions smushed their way through his brain that he never figured out how to vocalise them.
So instead what he said was,
“You’re running away from your mistake, then?”
She felt like she was choking. Her throat felt slimy. She felt so anxious and so scared, her heart beat so fast, that it made her feel sick.
“I’m trying to-” she gagged, gulped down metallic-tinged saliva. “I’m trying to avoid making more of them.”
Her gaze stayed fixed on the moonlit marsh.
“I… have you ever fucked something up so many times you can’t undo it? Just, the number of people you have to apologize for, the penances you’d have to undergo, it’s all added up and added up until an entire lifetime of regret wouldn’t be enough to make up for it? I feel like I’ve passed that point, Marshall. I don’t think I can fix this.”
Her breath shook.
“If you want to be this big fucking hero, there’s better people out there to save. Please leave.”
“I’m trying to-” she gagged, gulped down metallic-tinged saliva. “I’m trying to avoid making more of them.”
Her gaze stayed fixed on the moonlit marsh.
“I… have you ever fucked something up so many times you can’t undo it? Just, the number of people you have to apologize for, the penances you’d have to undergo, it’s all added up and added up until an entire lifetime of regret wouldn’t be enough to make up for it? I feel like I’ve passed that point, Marshall. I don’t think I can fix this.”
Her breath shook.
“If you want to be this big fucking hero, there’s better people out there to save. Please leave.”
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ViolentMedic
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“Of course I know. I killed Jacob. The announcements never said I did it… but I drove him out onto that lake. He didn’t just ‘somehow drown.’ I screamed at him and called him worthless, and he killed himself. I can’t ever make that up. Not to him, not to anyone. And that’s not everything I did wrong.”
Now it was June walking onto the ice, threatening to fall through it. Even if he pulled her back, that wouldn’t bring Jacob back, or bring joy to his family.
“And you think we’re unique in that? I’ve seen the streams. Even the half of us that didn’t come back murderers made mistakes, big ones, ones that can’t be fixed. Would it have been better if we all died on the island, just to stop us from putting more mistakes into the world?”
Another soft footstep towards her, keeping an eye on the knife. Maybe he could grab it if he got just a little closer, as his mouth continued to run itself.
“Do you really think you’re uniquely irredeemable? More than Evie? More than Matthew? Because that’s stupid.”
She was right on one thing. He did need to save her. And not just because she was his friend. He needed to do something good for the world, to keep justifying why he’d been one of the lucky ones to survive. He knew the world would be better with June in it. Or at least his world would be.
Now it was June walking onto the ice, threatening to fall through it. Even if he pulled her back, that wouldn’t bring Jacob back, or bring joy to his family.
“And you think we’re unique in that? I’ve seen the streams. Even the half of us that didn’t come back murderers made mistakes, big ones, ones that can’t be fixed. Would it have been better if we all died on the island, just to stop us from putting more mistakes into the world?”
Another soft footstep towards her, keeping an eye on the knife. Maybe he could grab it if he got just a little closer, as his mouth continued to run itself.
“Do you really think you’re uniquely irredeemable? More than Evie? More than Matthew? Because that’s stupid.”
She was right on one thing. He did need to save her. And not just because she was his friend. He needed to do something good for the world, to keep justifying why he’d been one of the lucky ones to survive. He knew the world would be better with June in it. Or at least his world would be.
Her lip quivered.
“I’m not dumb, Marshall, don’t- don’t say that. I just…”
Her eyes brimmed with tears.
“It’s not you. It’s not anything against you or even the others, but, just, we spent so much energy on the island trying to be good and trying to help and, like, none of it feels good, you know? Spent so much time and energy trying to live, and for what? For some abstract principle? Just to say we’re ‘good?’” she asked, air quotes with her free hand. “I fucking- I tried to find some sign, something out there that could’ve told me that it was worth it, that all of this was worth it, and like… it- it sounds stupid, but- tragedies are- people bond after tragedies. That’s what they’re supposed to do, right? You see the news, communities helping each other out after some big flood, or twister, or whatever. But, at the press conference, all of us were just squabbling out there, no closer than we were before the trip. Pure ugliness was all we were.”
Her arm ached from holding the knife up for so long. Her hand gripped the handle so hard it shook.
“I- I know Medea, and Iris, and Dick, and Darryl, and California, and Kai all died for us to get here, I know that, and it- it’s so fucking sad. It’s so sad that- that six people died for me to live, and I’m just- just THIS. All this WASTED effort, and I’m THIS.”
Drops of blood slid from her neck onto the top of her shirt. Red crescents formed on the collar.
“I’m so, so tired of being helped. I’m so tired of taking from you, from all of you. It hurts. Everything hurts, Marshall."
She tilted her head up, looked at the moon in the sky.
"So, I- I just want it to stop. I need it to stop.”
“I’m not dumb, Marshall, don’t- don’t say that. I just…”
Her eyes brimmed with tears.
“It’s not you. It’s not anything against you or even the others, but, just, we spent so much energy on the island trying to be good and trying to help and, like, none of it feels good, you know? Spent so much time and energy trying to live, and for what? For some abstract principle? Just to say we’re ‘good?’” she asked, air quotes with her free hand. “I fucking- I tried to find some sign, something out there that could’ve told me that it was worth it, that all of this was worth it, and like… it- it sounds stupid, but- tragedies are- people bond after tragedies. That’s what they’re supposed to do, right? You see the news, communities helping each other out after some big flood, or twister, or whatever. But, at the press conference, all of us were just squabbling out there, no closer than we were before the trip. Pure ugliness was all we were.”
Her arm ached from holding the knife up for so long. Her hand gripped the handle so hard it shook.
“I- I know Medea, and Iris, and Dick, and Darryl, and California, and Kai all died for us to get here, I know that, and it- it’s so fucking sad. It’s so sad that- that six people died for me to live, and I’m just- just THIS. All this WASTED effort, and I’m THIS.”
Drops of blood slid from her neck onto the top of her shirt. Red crescents formed on the collar.
“I’m so, so tired of being helped. I’m so tired of taking from you, from all of you. It hurts. Everything hurts, Marshall."
She tilted her head up, looked at the moon in the sky.
"So, I- I just want it to stop. I need it to stop.”
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ViolentMedic
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Marshall didn’t like how much of what she’d said made sense.
That a lot of what they’d done felt like it hadn’t amounted to anything. The best they’d done was ensure that the world knew of Matthew’s crimes. But outside of that, all of them going their separate ways, and squabbling, and proving continually to the world that, just like the rest of their classmates, that it was only lucky intervention that had let any of them live. That at the same time as he couldn’t make himself stop going all the time… that he also felt so, SO tired.
After considering, he sighed.
“Can I… can I approach? And… can we sit down for a minute? I won’t go too close. I just need to sit down, and… and see you, I think.”
He needed to sit down before his heart thumping in his chest, and the sick feeling in his gut of seeing an unpreventable disaster hurtling towards him, drained what little energy he had and made him pass out, and prevent him both from stopping June, or from witnessing his failure.
That a lot of what they’d done felt like it hadn’t amounted to anything. The best they’d done was ensure that the world knew of Matthew’s crimes. But outside of that, all of them going their separate ways, and squabbling, and proving continually to the world that, just like the rest of their classmates, that it was only lucky intervention that had let any of them live. That at the same time as he couldn’t make himself stop going all the time… that he also felt so, SO tired.
After considering, he sighed.
“Can I… can I approach? And… can we sit down for a minute? I won’t go too close. I just need to sit down, and… and see you, I think.”
He needed to sit down before his heart thumping in his chest, and the sick feeling in his gut of seeing an unpreventable disaster hurtling towards him, drained what little energy he had and made him pass out, and prevent him both from stopping June, or from witnessing his failure.
“...”
There wasn’t any time for this. She didn’t want there to be time. It was, stop the hurt now, or keep the hurt going forever. Hurt countless more people down the line. If she let go of the knife now, she would never pick it back up.
And yet, despite her feelings, the blade did not inch forward into her neck, it stayed.
Somehow, the first thought that came to mind was that it would’ve been rude to say no to him. Despite everything, he was still Marshall, after all. She couldn’t find it in herself to ignore him.
Facing the marsh still, blade still on her neck, she gradually allowed herself to sit on the cold, wet ground.
There wasn’t any time for this. She didn’t want there to be time. It was, stop the hurt now, or keep the hurt going forever. Hurt countless more people down the line. If she let go of the knife now, she would never pick it back up.
And yet, despite her feelings, the blade did not inch forward into her neck, it stayed.
Somehow, the first thought that came to mind was that it would’ve been rude to say no to him. Despite everything, he was still Marshall, after all. She couldn’t find it in herself to ignore him.
Facing the marsh still, blade still on her neck, she gradually allowed herself to sit on the cold, wet ground.
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ViolentMedic
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Marshall approached slowly, then turned and sat down carefully into what turned out to be pretty damp mud.
“Euagh--”
Well, that at least woke him up. But the chill immediately filled him with this deep unease, so he half-climbed up again into a squat. But… no, the chill was clinging now that he’d soaked himself in mud. So he plonked right back into the mud.
“...Okay. Okay.”
He leaned on his hand, gazing at June through fingers. The blood visible filled him with the urge to tackle her and wrestle the knife away, and grab anything he had that might serve as a bandage. But… but now he’d sat down and he wasn’t exactly sure he’d manage getting up again.
It had to be with words, then.
And he was having trouble coming up with a convincing argument.
“I get it?” He rubbed one of his eyes – despite the chill, it was hard to keep focused. “I get it. I do. It… it would be nice if we all worked together. But all those examples you brought up… the twisters and floods and all that… those are things that just happen. No-one to blame for them. And whenever there’s a man-instigated big disaster, it’s usually still a clear-cut thing. Each side bonding over the other being the problem.
“Thing is… obviously the terrorists are to blame for what happened to us. But it’s… they frame it in such a specific way that we ended up becoming our worst enemies, because that’s what the game is meant to do. That’s the meaning of the game.
“So now… now we’re back, but we’re still the causes of what happened to each other. And it proves that the terrorists were right in whatever point they were trying to make, because we just got lucky and there’s no meaning to us surviving at all.
“That’s… what you meant, right? Am I making any sense?” Marshall had already blanked on how he had even started this attempt to refute her.
“Euagh--”
Well, that at least woke him up. But the chill immediately filled him with this deep unease, so he half-climbed up again into a squat. But… no, the chill was clinging now that he’d soaked himself in mud. So he plonked right back into the mud.
“...Okay. Okay.”
He leaned on his hand, gazing at June through fingers. The blood visible filled him with the urge to tackle her and wrestle the knife away, and grab anything he had that might serve as a bandage. But… but now he’d sat down and he wasn’t exactly sure he’d manage getting up again.
It had to be with words, then.
And he was having trouble coming up with a convincing argument.
“I get it?” He rubbed one of his eyes – despite the chill, it was hard to keep focused. “I get it. I do. It… it would be nice if we all worked together. But all those examples you brought up… the twisters and floods and all that… those are things that just happen. No-one to blame for them. And whenever there’s a man-instigated big disaster, it’s usually still a clear-cut thing. Each side bonding over the other being the problem.
“Thing is… obviously the terrorists are to blame for what happened to us. But it’s… they frame it in such a specific way that we ended up becoming our worst enemies, because that’s what the game is meant to do. That’s the meaning of the game.
“So now… now we’re back, but we’re still the causes of what happened to each other. And it proves that the terrorists were right in whatever point they were trying to make, because we just got lucky and there’s no meaning to us surviving at all.
“That’s… what you meant, right? Am I making any sense?” Marshall had already blanked on how he had even started this attempt to refute her.
She made a sound somewhere in between a hum and a whimper.
“...don’t make me sound like that. It’s not... there’s meaning in you surviving, and the others. I want you to live. I do. But I just… everything else you said, yes. I- I feel-”
She gulped, gasped for air.
“I’ve always been angry, and, before this, I was angry. It’d be one thing if I were transformed into- into this, but I just- it’s always been like this. I was not changed, I was revealed. I was fucked from the start, and now, I don’t even know how to hide it.
“So there.”
“...don’t make me sound like that. It’s not... there’s meaning in you surviving, and the others. I want you to live. I do. But I just… everything else you said, yes. I- I feel-”
She gulped, gasped for air.
“I’ve always been angry, and, before this, I was angry. It’d be one thing if I were transformed into- into this, but I just- it’s always been like this. I was not changed, I was revealed. I was fucked from the start, and now, I don’t even know how to hide it.
“So there.”
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ViolentMedic
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“So… the game stripped away any lies. Now you know the truth. That means you can try and change what you don’t like.”
Like Marshall should have been. He knew he’d never done anything with his life before the game, only studied. And once he stopped stewing on the game, he’d have to face figuring out what to do next, but he hadn’t been anywhere near figuring that out before the streams had reared their ugly head.
It was hard to expect June to tackle herself head-on when he couldn’t do the same.
“...But not tonight. Too late, too sleepy. So… sleep on it. ...Please?”
Like Marshall should have been. He knew he’d never done anything with his life before the game, only studied. And once he stopped stewing on the game, he’d have to face figuring out what to do next, but he hadn’t been anywhere near figuring that out before the streams had reared their ugly head.
It was hard to expect June to tackle herself head-on when he couldn’t do the same.
“...But not tonight. Too late, too sleepy. So… sleep on it. ...Please?”
Her lips shook a bit, unable to decide between a smile or a frown. That was as funny a joke as any: putting off the biggest decision of her life because she was ‘too sleepy.’
She settled into a frown. She looked down at her arm. The incision she’d made was more visible, now that the flow of her blood lessened. Her vision went blurry, tears brimming.
“I don’t wanna… what’s there gonna be to wake up to? A- a family that’s disowned me? A world that’s scared of me? I…” Her breathing went quicker, faster.
“I’m scared, Marshall,” she said in a shaky voice. “I’m so scared.”
She settled into a frown. She looked down at her arm. The incision she’d made was more visible, now that the flow of her blood lessened. Her vision went blurry, tears brimming.
“I don’t wanna… what’s there gonna be to wake up to? A- a family that’s disowned me? A world that’s scared of me? I…” Her breathing went quicker, faster.
“I’m scared, Marshall,” she said in a shaky voice. “I’m so scared.”